Today I feel myself filled with anger, I don't know exactly why...bordem? The anger I feel is so intense I can feel it build up Inside of me like a bomb ready to explode, but who or what is that anger actually for. I lose my self in day dreams of suicide. I literally right in that moment want to end my life. No one else knows, God forbid I share my thoughts of feelings with anyone. My other half often huffs at me for "passing my negativity on to him", so I must learn to contain myself! That annoys me to be honest. Inside I imagine my self screaming HELLO I AM NOT HAPPY!!! It's not him, it's not anyone . I love all the people around me , I am in fact incredibly good in removing those that don't fit in my life or with who I am. I'm sick of living with no drive , motivation or energy. I don't want to do anything, but I want to do something. No leisure activity or work related anything actually excites me. I feel like I live to nothing at all and am destined to carry everyone's burdens.People often say " you should talk, it could help", but what if your thoughts and feelings are hard for others to understand or hear? I think sometimes a mind becomes so overwhelmed that things said or written or thought are just a confusion of emotion. Somethings I feel and think sound nasty or are hurtful. I don't mean to mean those things and sometimes I can see how those things are wrong but in this crazy brain of mine, at times those things just are. Even once in a calmer state the imminent explosion seems to have faded away but I am left with a buzzing ache in my head from what I can only imagine is where my skull has been stretched from the immense pressure build up. But still something does not feel right for me. This is my usual placid phase... I am.now just " BEING". There is no fire inside of me and looking back, I'm.unsure if thier ever has been. So if so low and so stuck on ending it all then why don't I... I'm a mum and fully aware of the damage I would cause and the shit I would leave behind ... I absolutely adore my children and although not perfect, I wear such a solid mask I am perhaps on par with my mothering skills. sometimes I feel like being a mother has trapped me on earth. I as a mother am no longer allowed to leave this world without causing severe damage to 2 of the most amazing things this world has. Is it wrong to think that loving anyone is an entrapment to life or is that exactly what it is . I have heard so many people say " I live for my children", what do they mean ? .. I don't think they mean what I mean ! ?