Im in love with my bff with benefits....after two abortions together he convinced me to have my tubes taken out....now I can’t have kids anymore and I have more guilt than I can bear when I see pictures of him as a kid....that could have been how our baby looked...he tells me he doesn’t love me and I can’t walk away because if I can’t handle how much the truth hurts....I lost my other kids to my family when they called and lied to police on me my record was expunged in court due tothe lies but no one prosecuted...and I lost everything as a result my career retirement bonus and he was the only one there....he stood behind me but I find out later it’s because he just wants me to start business things for him...I havent been kissed in over 5 years...wefuck but he never kisses me....he says imnot good enough to be his girl and I hate myself because I was stronger and went ahead with either one of the pregnancies and I didn’t give in to the surgery everything would be different....I miss my life my kids and I can’t do anything about it so he is all I have now and he hates me inside...what do I do how do I get through this so alone I have no one who cares about me at all...