I have a boyfriend and I’m pushing him away, I can’t stand thinking too much about how disgusting I am. It makes me want to leave him. He can do so much better. I just get tired. I used to weigh 230 pounds and now I’m 180, so I’m still fucking fat but now I’m fat and I have loose skin. I don’t know why he’s with me and it tires me to even try to put effort into the relationship knowing that I’m just a depressed bag of skin. He could be with someone confident that has better genes. Ive tried breaking up with him before because of this but it’s never a good enough reason and I don’t want to hurt him. You would think that if he’s hurt, then he really cares, and I really don’t doubt he does but I think he just doesn’t want to be alone. He is a solid 9 and incredibly smart but he has a felony and HPV. I think he’s too insecure about those facts to go out and find someone he deserves, so he just sticks with the fat useless psycho because I’ll never leave. I can’t go anywhere with him without finding a reason to hide somewhere and cry because I’m so insecure. Two beautiful/ sexy girls walked past us today and snickered to each other about why my boyfriend is with someone like me. I’m sick to my stomach, I don’t let him touch me, the thought of sex repulses me for days- weeks when I’m feeling like this, and then when I do have sex with him I don’t undress myself, I can’t orgasm because I feel repulsive and I only do it for him so he gets SOMETHING useful out of me. I don’t want to feel like this in a relationship anymore. I love him but I just don’t think I could make him happy, the way he really deserves.