I love you. Sounds like my childhood. Surrounded by drunk drug users. Abuse. My mom used to daily pick me up; slam me on the ground & say I hate you; o should have aborted you, I wish you’d die so I could be happy. She wanted to leave my nice simple step dad for a good looking one who liked to party.
So a relative started putting me in a chair with a noose & tied my hands. I was forced to write suicide notes. I’d stand on my top toes for hrs trying not to die. She’d come back to see if I was dead & take me down till the next day.
My mom tried to force my dad to take me. I have blond hair & blue. He looked Spanish. He threw me out at 2 saying I couldn’t be his. My mom dad was Scandinavian mostly. So I look like a Viking mostly. Watch Thor? That’s what I looked like in college. He was a tiny oily man.
Well. He shows up. I say I love you daddy, can I live with you. I love you. Can I have a hug. I was never hugged till age 23. Never by him. He makes me look in a mirror. I’m also autistic. He says your broken you can’t be mine. Then he smiled at my sister & off they went. He was well off & spoiled her rotten. I never got a dime even when he died. DNA later proved he was my dad but he screamed in my face & threaten to kill my kids if I didn’t leave. POS.
So my mom said she’d found a new man so I had to go. She drove me over 100 miles; went down a dirt road, & left me alone deep in the woods. Hell began. I thought they were bad but the people who took me were a horror show. In my life I endured yrs of rape; torture; you name it.
Like you I had to be an adult as a child. My mom made me cook & clean but my sister was a princess. I was a slave after she left me. There were tiny kids there. I did all the cooking & cleaning. The man would wake me up to do crazy stuff. I was forced to steal. I had to pose nude for perverts.
If they were going to abuse the little ones I’d jump between them & take the beating. I’ve been hung by my ankles & beaten then left overnight. Had to contort body up to live. Needles thru entire fingers. Things burned under my nails. Beat unconscious. I’d wake up throwing up blood. I’ve been dealing with serious internal injuries ever since. Organs; stomach. And horrible stuff I can’t ever face. I can only tell people the baby stuff. I keep the hard stuff buried inside.
But I looked at these angry scared kids around me & said they need love. I became their parent. No; they don’t show me love now. They are also too traumatized. When 9/11 happened some deployed. One of us died. They came home for the funeral. Two soldiers kneeled at my feet; hugged my legs & cried. They said thank you for saving us. They’d killed us if it wasn’t for you. Then they went back to fight. They are all great parents. But they carry a burden. Same for me. I have shown my kids love since birth. They’ve never been hit. I’d die for them.
Your older brother isn’t really older. I have an autistic kid. His younger siblings take care of him. We try to help but they say y’all will die. We will take care of him. I got called to the school once. Older boys started beating the hell out of him. My younger kids went to war. When a giant boy started beating up my baby girl the autistic went off. She loves him. It’s like the hulk was set loose. Grown men had to eventually save the older boys. My kids beat their asses all over the gym. I found it funny. Older boys crying like babies. She beat me up. My little girl in her pink unicorn shirt beat a boy twice her age. Love is powerful. Dads showed up. I was there. Dads chose to shut the fuck up & go home. I am a super hero if you piss me off. Well compared to most.
I’m almost 60 now. I’m sad & depressed every day. I still feel just like you. I have suicidal thoughts endlessly. I have PTSD. Meds take off the edge so I can smile & function.
Your situation is not fair brother. You are my brother in Gods eyes. You must choose. When kids are abused their brain chemistries develop wrong. But you must decide. Will you let her words & actions beat you? Are you a yellow pussy? Or will you have courage & stand? If you die there is one less good person in the world.
There is good & evil people on the earth. We need all the good ones we can get. Live. If you can’t live for yourself then live for others. I can not look at myself in a mirror. I hate myself. But I love others. I pray for everyone in the whole world.
I fell out of that chair one day. I struggled to live. Thrashed my body around. Bent my legs up & kicked at the thing holding the rope. I blacked out. Hours later I woke up with deep rope burns & a whole in the ceiling where I broke it loose. Let me tell you no matter how hard this world seems when you are on the edge of death you truly want to live. Sadly many teens only realize that when they are dying; & they die fighting to undo it. So sad.
So be your brothers hero. He may be rude & never thank you. My autistic was so happy. Loved the world. Wanted to be a soldier & preacher. The world treated him so bad he hasn’t smiled in a yr. He just sets in his room. He says the world hates him & doesnt want him. We try but people are so mean to autistics.
His siblings still take care of him. So I was where you are. I’ll let you decide. I’m still depressed. But I went thru hell. Should I have lived?
My kids are so sweet. They look out for those who are bullied. A gay orphan had no friends. One of my sons is the schools top athlete. That gay kid hangs out at the house with my sons giant athlete friends. How cool is that? He also saved a disabled boy. I had to deal with cops on that one. The school wouldn’t protect the kid. But they called the cops when my son did.
I breathed life into a child who turned blue. I saved a tiny black girls life. I paid for food at homeless shelters. I raised $ for United Way. My kids bag food for needy children. I provided a home for my useless sisters children when they were young. On & on I could go. I’m not happy but is the world better with me in it?
I’m not always unhappy. I watch TV comedies & force my mouth to smile until I laugh. I listen to lady Gaga & dance. I sing happy songs. I stare at butterflies & listen to birds. I find joy in the world. My whole life has felt like a giant hurricane is slamming into me. I lean into it & stand. When I can I find a way to see a little light or even a rainbow.
I’m a fighter. I decided as a scared abused little boy as my mom begged me to kill myself yet again that she could go fuck herself. I still smiled & did as I was told. But their hate was not going to steal my one life. Like Captain America I’d be noble. I’d stay pure & good. No matter what the world threw at me it wouldn’t break me. I’d live inspite of them. They are mostly all dead & buried now. Yet I’m still here brother. Fuck them. Fuck depression. Fuck all that evil shit they said. If they hated me then screw them. I won. I survived. I spread good in the world. They tried to mold me to be like them. I heard how generations were beat in my family. That stopped with me. No one has harmed my babies. The kids I protected are the same way. We kept our kids away from them.
Well I hope you realize you have a kind heart. No; you’ll never be perfect & fuck up endlessly, but so do I. We all do. Even Bill Gates pisses on his foot from time to time. Accept that you are just as fucked up & flawed as the rest of us. Live. I have a serious disease. I was on deaths door a week ago. I don’t know how I keep cheating death, but here I am. I’ll die within a yr most likely. That will be one tiny bright light turned off in this dark world. I need someone to replace me. In the movie Iron Man died right (they should have played I Am Iron Man at that moment before he snapped his finger). Someone else will have to wear the suit now.
See good & bad people die everyday. It’s easy to be evil. You just have to not give a shit about anyone & do nasty things for no reason to others. But it takes courage to be good. No matter how much I was beat & raped I’d try to keep a little part of me good. Like a tiny light. I survived. When I was grown I spread my arms & let my light shine bright baby. They didn’t beat me. Fuck them.
Will your mom beat you? But realize; someone in her past or something wrong in her head makes her that way. She’s just fucked up more than you & me. She probably hates herself & takes it out on you because your good.
Watch the videos of the truck driver in Portland. A small gay man is walking & apologizing. A group of large bullies are following him. They want an excuse to stomp him unconscious. Why him? Because he’s small & nice. A man tried to help & got beat unconscious. I’ve watched my autistic child be targeted over & over. Hateful angry people lash out at easy targets. Your brother appears to be one. You will probably have to help protect him your whole life. Will you be his hero; even if he never says thank you, or will you abandon him? No; don’t think of taking him with you. He deserves his shot at life too. Even if it’s less than yours. We only get one shot at life.
I hope you choose correctly & join my army of good. The media ignores us. The angry people destroy & make the headlines. But we good people are quietly out here too.
I love you. You are my brother.