so there's this friend i got to know starting in 5th grade, i'm gonna refer to her as green. i'm a rising freshie now. i was in a clique with her and another girl, let's call her pink. we'd play games, we were very close. the three of us were part of a larger friend group known as 'sheeldyud'. i won't go into details but in 6th grade, after some time, pink and green started to fight. both of them seemed to want me to hang out with them, etc. meanwhile, something that'll later be relevant, i had a crush on a boy who i'll call blue. back to green and pink, it eventually came to the point where green was sick of pink lying and being very mean to her. she sent me an email saying something on the lines of this (note i'm paraphrasing, also the additive of calling the friend 'pink'): 'i'm getting really tired of pink, and i've asked you before. you can't be friends with both of us at the same time. please tell pink that you can't be friends with her anymore, or i'll leave sheeldyud.' basically along the lines of if you want to be friends with her, i can't be friends with you. i was very upset by this, and really didn't want to choose. i personally thought green was a better friend, but i felt that it was sick and wrong to place values on people's friendships. but green had something i was afraid to lose - the uncanny ability to tell how i was feeling. i, myself, am a very secretive person. i barely tell anyone how i'm feeling, like ever, and have only vented to somebody once (and it was via email), so having a friend like this was crucial to my mental health (at least i thought so). i gave in, though i didn't dare say it in person. i sent an email and instantly started hating myself. i was known as the nice kid, and pink was already bullied enough. to have the nice kid not want to be friends with her anymore? the thought of it made me sick. but there was nothing i could do about it now - i sent follow-up emails telling her how sorry i was and how i never meant it, but the only response i got was a teacher pulling me aside, telling me the emails made pink uncomfortable. i stopped.things played out, i would still talk to pink, but green and i would never play games with her like we used to. eventually, with her master sleuthing, green could tell that i liked blue. after making me admit it, she later guilt tripped me into playing basketball with her, saying that 'that was the only way she'd forgive me.' i know, it was something dumb and offhand, but those are the types of things that get ingrained into my mindset. even further on in the year, one time blue asked me to work with him on a project, i obliged (even if it weren't the boy i was crushing on, i just tend to go along with what people ask of me). green told me later in the day that she was 'upset i chose him over her'. i almost cried.at the end of the year i was hanging out with green in her parent's restaurant. we were talking and she seemed fine with me being with blue. but then a couple days later she sends me a sudden email saying that she was leaving sheeldyud. i was speechless. she didn't give a specific reason initially, so i resorted to blaming myself again. of course i didn't mention any of that - i acted like i was fine with it, because it was obviously her choice who she hung out with. she insisted that we'd still be friends, though (as in her and me). the only reason i ever received for why she left was 'because blue and orange (another friend) were making her uncomfortable'. i still blamed myself.that summer was just a bunch of moping and loneliness, which was just delightful. in 7th, green hung out with some old friends of mine and wouldn't talk to me much. when she did she was as nice of a person as she'd always been, aside from the single joking descriptor 'obsolete' tossed around in math class one day. i never forgot it. sometimes she suspected that i was upset at her, but i always denied it. she ended up getting into some drama with her new friends and shifted cliques a lot. meanwhile, i seemed to be on good terms with pink again (i still blamed myself for that whole ordeal, however). that year i also started having anxiety attacks before going to school that made me terrified of going. this accounted for 7 days of absences, happened over the span of two months, and never happened again. because we wouldn't hang out in person much, green would talk to me over the phone often (i had recently gotten a phone). i enjoyed these phone calls as i enjoyed her - most of the time she'd do all of the talking and be rather curious about why i'd never have anything to report on. later on in the year, for reasons too personal to go into, i started getting therapy for my stage fright. let me just say that i couldn't deal with them well and felt terrible. i eventually told green about that and she seemed concerned for me. let me get this straight, green was never a bad person.summer was wrought with me seeking validation from someone, a role filled by the one and only 'bud', a counselor working at my camp. he was a very supportive, funny guy, with a similar sarcastic yet kind nature i possess. similarly to green, he could easily tell how i was feeling. he quickly caught onto how anxious i was all the time, and while never actively pushing me out of my comfort zone, he was extremely supportive when i happened to myself. then the camp year ended.you see, i thought i'd finally have found someone to tell about all the stuff that had happened between me and green so i could finally get some closure. the week after camp ended i was dejected, not knowing how i'd survive at school without bud.(at this point i'm just venting on how my life kinda sucks, i never vent so i guess i'm just seizing the opportunity. sorry :/)8th grade happened, and i must say it was rather uneventful. i went to a lot of parties and trips and suffered from immense social anxiety, that was tons of fun! most things were kinda eh for me but i guess i was rather stressed a lot. oh yeah! there was this little rainbow notebook i kind of kept a diary with, but instead it was just me endlessly jotting down every reason why people should bully me and why i suck and why it's dumb that nobody agrees with me. eventually people found out about it, whatever, then they stopped caring or something so i threw it out and nobody mentioned it again.i was half extremely depressed and half extremely relieved. big whoop. at this point everything was casual again, friend groups barely existed anymore, i didn't have to make choices that would make me hate myself.oh, side note! before i had thrown out my little notebook i had gone to one of several anxiety-inducing parties which was held at another school. when we were coming back to our own school on the bus i sat next to pink (rather she sat next to me, on the ride there i was alone). she asked if she could read my notebook, and at that time i didn't care, so i gave it to her. after she read it, she said how she could relate to some of the stuff in there. then pink told me how once, actually, she told me that at one point she was so dejected she had had suicidal thoughts. at first, of course, i felt really bad for her. she hadn't given details, so it could've been about how people bullied her all the time... but then i thought - what if it were because of me? what if it were because i had sent that email? i had felt so incredibly bad when green said she was leaving sheeldyud, the one thing i was trying to prevent by sending that email - not only did that email end up being pointless but it also might've caused pink the same pain that green would unintentionally inflict on me later on. i felt sick. i got used to it.that year i was lowkey depressed. sometimes i would reminisce over green and i's old email conversations - about boys... about stupid zodiac junk... eventually we came to talking over the phone again, just as we once did. everything was fine now, nobody was upset at each other, there was no drama. nobody was fighting over me. i didn't have to pick sides anymore. but i still couldn't understand it - things didn't feel right. there was still this unresolved trauma that i didn't know what to do with. this whole time i was never angry at green - she had told me how many of her friends had betrayed her and abandoned her. she was a great person - she was supportive and funny and wasn't afraid to speak her mind. i always enjoyed my time with her. i knew she never meant to hurt me. she would never wish the despair that i felt on me or anyone else. so the thing that just really irked me - if something done by accident can be that bad -what would it have felt like if someone were to do it on purpose?either way, i wanted to resolve the issue. i wanted to email her, telling her about what happened and how it hurt me but how it wasn't her fault and that i'm not angry. but i was scared... so i emailed one of my other best friends first. let me tell you that at this time i had started crushing on this friend, she was very close to me. i hesitated for a while but then i sent her an email about everything that had happened. i never mentioned anyone by name, not wanting them to get in trouble.she was extremely supportive and was just disgruntled that i hadn't told her sooner. she could tell who i was talking about and whoever it was, they clearly had no ill intentions. she gave me hope that maybe, just maybe things will come to a close.and now we're here. what day is it? it's july 13th. a month and a day after my graduation. i haven't sent the email.for a while i felt happy having just sent the email to the friend, and really i haven't felt depressed since. but now i realize... that never solved the problem. it didn't make me feel any more comfortable venting to people, either. yes, it did lift a weight off my chest and made me feel happier, but i still need to have a heart to heart with green.but is it too late? what if she feels bad? i don't want to tack on guilt now, i know how guilty she can get. especially now that school's over, i don't know what to do. yes, i could send an email, but i bet she'd feel even worse knowing i held out this long for her sake. if i told her now, i'd make her feel bad and then that'd make me feel bad, too.my dear friends, if you've read this long, you are way too invested. i am sorry for the ramble. but do any of you know what i could do?thanks <3