i started to self harm in 5th grade which lasted up until now with small breaks in between. 7th grade i wanted to die but not commit suicide. 8th grade i started to seriously begin to think about suicide. the reason for the mental change was because i was friends with the “popular” girls for years and then a new person showed up and didn’t like me. she got the other girls to hate me as well. they started to bully me and not just mentally but physically too. not just them either, they got others to join. i was so incredibly lonely. that was until i met an amazing group of people who showed me what friendship should be. i never knew that friendship should be this warm and lovely. that didn’t mean my problems were resolved, though. i started seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. i was put on medication and whatnot. a few months after i started seeing my therapist i went to the mental hospital. i met great people there and had such an eye-opening experience. i got out and i felt quite good. but, my old friends wanted to hangout again. i decided to. i started to hangout with them more and more which made me have less time for my other friends. as i hung out with these people, i started to smoke weed. i started using it almost everyday. it became something i was reliant on for months. i ended up stopping because it started to worsen my anxiety. i also stopped talking to those old friends and apologized to my other friends (i really feel like shit for that). i was never meaning to leave my other friends for my old ones, it was an accident that i stopped talking to them. anyways this was all last year so summer was when corona was happening and i ended up spending all day in my room. i slept through the day and stayed up during the night or i just didn’t sleep. i stopped talking to everyone. my friends kept asking me to hangout i said no and made an excuse. i enjoyed being alone and i enjoyed my own presence. this lasted for awhile. ever since around august or september i’ve been finally feeling lonely. i started talking with my friends and whatnot but it’s different. i used to talk to many people and snap a lot of people but now i only have a few people i talk to. i’m absolutely grateful for them and i love them, it’s just different. they all have their own friends so it feels like i’m just so alone. i cut a lot during the end of last year but i stopped myself. i am getting bad urges again and i cry all the time now. i like crying and feeling the pain, though. is that wrong? i’m so insecure as well. i absolutely hate everything about myself and i believe nobody could ever love me and yet i want to experience love more than anything. i don’t know. my reasons for living are becoming fewer and fewer and i believe it’s only a when and not an if. i’ve tried so much and i haven’t gotten better. i don’t believe i’ll get better. i’ve lost hope and when i look into the future thinking and stressing over what i want to do, i automatically start thinking that i won’t make it that long and my worries fade. it’s like suicide is what comforts me. the thought that i can just leave if it’s too much makes me calm. i’m not sure when it will happen. since i isolated myself for so long, it’s even harder to talk to people. i stutter so much and can’t find words. if i can’t talk normally how could i possibly open up? i feel like a lost cause. should i even try looking for help or should i just give up?