watching sad videos on youtube about people going through and confessing secretly made me cry. i saw a video about someone having fantasies about having cancer and i've never been this relieved that i wasnt alone. it sucks, i know that. i feel guilt afterwards coz i will literally have no idea how is it fr people who actually have cancer. it's not for attention you know. more like "what if i deserve this?" situation. i liked the thought of how people would care for me. not like they dont now. or maybe they dont. idk why i'm into self harming idk what i'll benifit but do y'all like thus side of yourselves telling you that you deserve to hurt yourself or like giving you the urge to do something to yourself whenever you see smtn? i'm really happy in life but i just, idk if i'm HAPPY, happy. i just wanna run away. my parents dont deserve me, they work so hard and i'm not even grateful. honesly idk. will this be over if i end myself? i'll never know. what is life anyway? its making me hate myself. i'm probably spending my day thinking about how others hate me and act like they like me when its actually me who's pretending to like myself and wanting to do smtn and harm themselves. lf i dont wake up tomorrow that wouldn't be the worst thing ig. they told me it was overthinking. yea maybe but will overthinking give me suicidal thoughts? maybe. Maybe they're right. Is life worth it?