my dad was the one who mad me begin to self harm. he also is the one for me to start thinking suicidal thoughts, then me actually going through with it and attempting. when my mom ain’t around, he will say mean things to me, and he would yell at me for no reason. i’m not sure if he is, but it will be cool if i can find out he’s not. please help, i’m only 13 and i don’t want to suffer anymore
Re: is my dad mentally abusive? PLEASE HELP ME
Love does not make you self harm, and it certainly does not inspire suicidal thoughts. The word parent, like the word love, is both a noun and a verb. Not to be overly graphic, but it takes more than a night in the bed to be a father. I knew someone with an abusive father. What you have to remember is the old adage. Hurt people hurt people. Understand how certain behaviour makes you feel and become a better person for it. For example you know how it feels when he says certain things. So when you move on with your life, you know what to do and not to do. Don't let his insecurities control you.
If like to move on from generic counselor stuff and into a deeper understanding. In cognitive behavior therapy, there is a cycle. You have an event, that event triggers thoughts. Those thoughts trigger emotions, which lead to actions. Those actions become the next event. To change the next event, all you have to do is interrupt any of the links in the chain. Choose to look at a situation differently. Choose to react to emotions differently. Anger is a symbol, not a thing into itself. When a person loses control of their environment, their mind goes through a kind of seizure and they lose self control. It is at this point where their ability to cope becomes impossible alone.
You have passive, agressive, assertive and passive agressive. Passive is where you dont care about your needs. Agressive is where you dont care about the needs of others, passive agressive is where you dont care about either and assertive is where you care about both. When someone operates aggressively, people can tell that their needs arent getting met, but due to lack of self control, communication becomes very difficult. Often, thr needs are unknown. It's when we move toward assertive that needs can be communicated.
Sun tzu says that if the orders are not followed and they were unclear, it is thr fault of the general. But if the orders were clear, it is the fault of the subordinate. Sun tzu was a strong believer in not bending and showing people how serious he was.
Express your boundaries in a healthy, loving, calm and respectful way. Allow personal growth. If your boundaries are not respected, no ampunt of conflict will make him care. Understand that he will have boundaries as well. He will have reasons, just as you do. Have a dialog in a calm environment free of guilt. Use phrases like "I feel" and "my goal is". And let him do the same. Never assume. Never make him into a bad person. When people feel attacked they do one of 3 things. They fight back, shut down, or go away.
Part of living the life you want is understanding a couple basic concepts:
1) people remember how you made them feel far longer than what you did or said
2) what you create wil be your experience
3) we all have needs, fears, wants, goals and perspectives
4) we operate only with the tools and understandings we have
5) peace and wisdom cannot be taught, it must be obtained through practice and patience
I hope this helps you.