It's taking a lot of courage just to post this anywhere, so thanks for hearing me out, whoever is.
First of all, I'm a *huge* masochist. The idea of being tortured and hurt during sex is very appealing to me. I'm also a big fan of dark fiction, especially revolving around psychological torture.and abuse. I'm not sure why, but something about it is just so stress reliving and fascinating about it.
The problem is, some of my fascination with psychological torture and abuse has began to leak into my masochism fetish. I can't begin to pinpoint why, but something about being tortured and abused both sexually and emotionally/psychologically (all consensual of course) is just appealing to me. Stuff like becoming emotionally dependant on my hypothetical partner, only for them to neglect and degrade me, said partner treating me like less than a human being while I think of them as my world, things like that just turns me on so much, both sexually and (aesthetically? romantically? emotionally? Idk man) I have no clue why it does, and I doubt that it's even normal.
I'm currently in a mediocre to decent state of mind, while I could be a lot better, I'm not unstable. As for trauma, it's kind of, for a lack of a better word, *muddy.* There are some things that I'm not really sure whether they traumatized me or not, or if I even have any trauma to begin with. It's just confusing to me at this point. Of course, my fetish, like all others, would be completely consensual and me and my partner would both be able to safely tell each other if we want to stop if so carried out, but even still, I'm still worried that it might cause some permanant emotional scars.
Is this even normal? Is this dangerous? Is this some sort of sign of an underlying problem? I'm just really confused and slightly paranoid, if anyone has any help or advice, it would be greatly apprieciated. Thank you for listening to me.