I hate crying and I'm told that I'm a happy person. Lately I feel abandoned and alone, even though I'm surrounded by people that care. My family is complicated - They say I can tell them anything but I just don't feel like I can say anything. I start to feel hurt out of nowhere and I just think about what the fuck could have made me this way. I guess you know that you are fucked up if you smile when you cry. I got kicked out of therapy because I seem happy when I'm there. I simply felt like there was nothing to say. I couldn't say anything. Not that I didn't want to. The words just couldn't come out. I don't know how I can explain this-- or even if i should explain it to a doctor. they'll probably just give me anti-depressants to blurr it all away anyway.