k So heres the story, im asexual and ive been asexual for years. Though im part proud, part ashamed and every now and then some parts uncertain, im accepting of it.Up untill around august of this year all of my sides especially my sexual identinty was super clear and becomoing more permenent and okay every month. i'm queer, extra queer and shameless about that. sort of. See my largeest insesecureity is being asexual. i dont thinkof showing your love in three ways like most people emotions, words, and bodies i just want to have a gal or guy have attraction for me that is not about sex. when i reached this point in my life despite covid and despitebeing all hesitant about it before, i wanted to celebrate my sexuality and get to be young and dumb and start to get involved with other people. the thing was, I had a hole to fill in my life this year. I stopped being passively .....atypical. LET ME EXPLAIN (:Im a self harmer i'm only passively suicidal, but self harm is prominent in my life it became the most comfortable part of myself, and its my most intense addiction and burden in my life. Its a blessing it lifts me up when i need it, but its constant and so scaryt / toxic for me after the normalacy fades away in the #aftermath of the short moments of ease, joy, etc. Most opportuntiies i got to better i turned down bc i wanted my best fucking friend in the world around:the self harm in me to stick around eve though the better part of me knew i shouldnt. Thats just addiction for everyone, your inicial reactions never seem rational or justified its a difficult road to becoming better, & everyone in that position, sees that for themselves no matter what the addiction is.my adiction was like my crutch and now i have to pertend to see it as a DESTRUCIVE tool or a straight up weapon untill deep down, i finally get that its not the way i think, that its not helping me feel okay or loved. It took months to get my act together and start to liveuptoabetterme. I fought off my addiction the best I could all these years so it could be like a pocket-sized-bestfriend-version of itsself but in 2020, ive realized i cant heal and hurt myself at the same time , i am my addictions pocket sized friend, im its bitch, bitching was an instinct not a choice. I can put effort into bettering. i can choose to work on my adictioand act as if im planning on quitting for life, and I am suicidal, so when things get hard i just ask the UNIVERSE to solve my issues by saving me from being doom or like just let me avoid it and kill me. but i could idk complain to MYSELF and be the one to offer myself a solution. Thats not a reality i let myself believe UNTILL just two fucking months ago Two MoNtHs... so lemme just say -its been h a r d.Im a chick who wanted to celebrate my sexuality and get to be young and dumb and instead I feel fucked up. ALOT. Im asexual and ive been asexual for *years* and never been 100% proud of it. As of late i just tried to stop self harming, id say just 10-11 weeks ago and thats been the biggest most shameful most confusing most fucking unbearable struggle i have ever faced in my life. So yeah :) Now thats cleared up. IM done giving background info so lets get to the story shall we?lets take ourselves one month before i gave up self harm. picture me saying im going to quit some day all i got to do for now is become distracted for a bit. I don't want to exist without a reward of some kind and that reward was physical sensation, i desperatley try to find something that be a new and healthier kind of emotional support such as craft do things with your hands(that isnt fucking up your body) go on walks cut your hair and your pets hair, paint your nails, find a hobby(yeah rite) that kind of thing. Instead i wanted connection so badly tha i turned to the internet to make some casual friends. and um i was on this site for fun, but now its more like my pick-me-up on bad weeks. and thats when stuff started to take a turn. i talk to this guy, much straighter dude btw not into bi chicks xD, and voila ^<>^ instant -friends that talk about our nonexistant love lives, our day,the weather, and- also sex. the people who have hit on us, female Celebrities we wish we could hook up with, how many porn genres there are(but not actual porn were not that pervy) how much of a secret relationships are when u live with ur prarents, pretty much that kind of thing.I started to pplay his game and make more sexual comments about the acts or people we were talking about and this dude thought i was becoming less shy As for me i was not any more uncensored, but in reality justsaying things in a different point of view than my own for once and it was not serious it was kind of a jokey time. a f u n one or what not, but we'd talk a few weeks of each month and so like i thought it was a thing id play out and eventually go away. its just a joke i said. yeah that um would have been great but in fact i did keep up having sexual conversations , with myseld. I watched porn not ironically just for me and though i was all in all disgusted turned off and of course a bit weirded out, I strategized...... i d k why but thats what i did and youll never believe it but i a girl a young adult, have opinions on what is tasteful and what isnt, soooooooI found myself searching for things that didnt disgust me as much as men biting or thrusting lol etc (again im more into females just in case it slipped ur mind). somehow stubled into how can i put this ...v i b r a t i n g o r w a l l - k i s s i n g o r n i p p l e shit and all i wanted when i was hormonal on my last three months of peroids was to watch something to get me extra hyped up so i watched porn you know those innocent videos. and eventually i got aroused but only on periods. I have struggled with sexual identity before but these past months idk what the fuck im doing its like drowning from drinking a cup of water wrong.