It had to be me who got something wrong with my bowel and my other part.... it’s sad that I am never going to have a normal bowel movement or a normal urination again. Why did God have to punish me this way? I’ve never done anything to anyone. I’ve never done anything bad to anyone. But I’m the one whose constantly sick, constantly ill. I just want to die and after my cystoscopy, if my results are bad and they say it’s incurable I don’t know how long I will be alive for. I can’t bare not going to the toilet like a normal person ever again. It’s bad enough having bowel problems but to have it both ways where you can’t wee or poo is unbareable. It’s humiliating. It’s embarrassing. I can’t leave my house anymore. I’m terrified to go to the cystoscopy because my bowels may give out and I don’t need that. Even when I don’t eat it’s the stress that causes it most of the time. I am terrified of food. I don’t find food enjoyable anymore it just makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t want to eat. I just want to die. I want everything to just stop.