It's a mess

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I can't stop crying and it's been an hour. I'm standing in front of my laptop and I don't understand anything, absolutely nothing makes sense to me. For me, it's a pain to do the classes online. Everything distracts me, sitting in my room all day. I don't do anything else, I can't get out of the house because I'm afraid of everything. If I read what I have to do 3 times, and I don't understand and I have no idea what to do, I cry for hours. I don't like it and it makes me feel so stopid because I can't handle anything anymore. I'm in college, I don't like it, I'm wasting my time but I can't give up because that would mean working and I'm afraid to interact with people. I don't know what I'm going to do. I've been living in constant pain for almost three years because I'm mentally ill, I feel it. I don't know what I have but I'm tired of being considered a freak because I have no interest in communicating with anyone. Even though I like being on my own, I need help and I'm afraid to ask someone for help because I don't want to bother anyone. I have a crush on a guy but I'm afraid to contact him because I feel like I'm going to use him to be happy. Because I don't communicate with anyone and I feel the need to... So I prefer to abstain and not text him. Because I like him, I don't want to talk to him just to forget my sadness. Anyway, it sucks. I don't know if I'm going to pass all my exams, because I can't concentrate at all on doing some paperwork, nothing. I feel like crying all the time. I think more and more about death, honestly. I feel like I'm not going to be able to do anything in this life. I can't socialize with anyone, I'm afraid to go to the store because I'm afraid something's going to happen to me, I can barely breathe and I feel like I'm going to faint. And now, my heart hurts and I wish it would stop beating.

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