2 months ago
Time Spent- 36m
23 Visitors

It’s a secret

I’ve been living in a futon in the living room of my pregnant sister’s apartment because I decided to get away from my mother. She was neglectful, and treated me like a maid more than a daughter, and I can’t remember the last time she legitimately showed me any affection without me giving her so much first and she’d do it just to get me to shut up. I’ve been excelling in college and I’ve got all As in the Honors program classes.

I’m doing well for myself.

All I’ve thought about for the past three days was killing myself.

I can’t see my dog because she’s over at my mother’s, and my cat. Everytime I go over she tries to manipulate me into coming back home and paying some of her bills despite me only working weekends and being a full time college student. I’m out of such a hostile environment and have overcome trauma, so why am I still depressed? I’m doing better than I ever have in life, yet I find it so hard to get up and go about my day. I don’t have the energy for it, and I feel like a burden despite my sister saying otherwise. I want to be independent, but I fear I’m more like a parasite than a person. She says she’s there for me, and so do my friends, but I feel so alone. All the time I always feel so empty. I miss my dog Phoebe, and my cat Stormy. I miss them so much, they’re my babies and I’m certain without them I’d already be dead.

but my other dog, Angel, died today. I haven’t cried yet, and don’t know if I will because I want to be dead so bad that I’m holding onto the fact that I’ll probably get to see her soon.

Im tired of going through depressive episodes when I don’t deserve to be sad. I want to kill myself, and I’m tired of going through these horrible episodes in my life. I won’t make it out of this one.