I was sexually assaulted as I child. This incident I now see as acute trauma. A trauma my mind repressed for years and years yet the symptoms were only growing without me knowing it. Almost every sexual experience with a man either took me back to that traumatic experience took me back to being that scared little girl or it made me want to be dominant and take control where i couldn't before. To be the one to pin the other down so they don't get away. The more I went back to feeling like that little girl the more I relieved that experience into adulthood. I made choice based on how that little girl felt.
I've grown up with symptoms of PTSD. I havent been officially diagnosed but looking back into my life I know it's true. I never dealt with that initial trauma, even after I remembered it years after it happened. This was really when I should have. But I didn't. I didn't take it seriously. Now that's all catching up to me. All of those that I've hurt. All the hurt that's been done to me and I've kept in my heart is all catching up to me.
It's crunch time and I know I can handle it. To take that little girls hand and help her scream louder till she's heard.
She was always worthy. I am worthy.
I can't go back in the past nor can I keep running. I stopped running but I've still keep trying to walk away. I'm tired. I'm so tired. I'm just so tired. It's caught up with me and I'm just so tired. I can't afford to be. I need to go past my limit and draw strength from places I didn't know I didn't know it was.
Just let me collapse for a little... My legs need the rest. Just for a little while.