It’s hard

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im currently 14 with my mom telling me rn how useless I am and how her friends daughters & sons are way better than me. I know life is hard and it will only get harder. But I’m starting to get at my limits. I already lost half of myself and is rarely sane. I try to be good and but I just wish I could be bad. I want to have freedom and do whatever I want since I’m gonna die someday in the future. My toxic friend also known as my closet/best friend has been too much lately. I failed killing myself yesterday cos of something she said to me. Her last words that left an impression on me was “the future does not exist, just don’t care since you’re gonna die anyway.” That had me thinking. If the future doesn’t exist, and I am already on my way to losing hope. Wouldn’t it be better if I was completely gone without really thinking what would happen to me after dying? People might even noticed me if I was dead. Cos at least grief is more than gratefulness. It’s not like it just me in the world that’s having a hard time. And I know many others in the same position as I am rn. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I really don’t know. What am I suppose to do with my life rn. People say it will get better, just be patient and wait until time heals itself. But just how long as I supposed to wait before I’m at my limits. Will I be able to survive until then? It already so hard and the future will only get harder. So will I even be able to survive then if I’m already starting to get at my limits now. Everyday, I’m always thinking of dying so how much longer can I hold on. I don’t have any hope. And idk what to do to myself and my life. It doesn’t even feel like the life I’m living is mine to begin with since it’s like there’s someone controlling me. I can’t figure out how to break free from this obstacle I’m facing rn. I feel numb but I also feel everything. It’s hard.

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