I literally have no reason to feel like this, i have family, friends who are so great and also things that interest me like creative writing but everyday i feel like someone else is just letting my body drift through each day like a puppet on strings. Sometimes i will just listen to my family outside of a door or walk past peoples houses and just see all of the life within them and feel as if there is some sort of invisible ocean between me and that life as if i can never fully reach it. My pain and sadness are smothered by laughs, grins and an "i dont care" attitude and tbh sometimes i cant even distinguish the real me or the fake me as i get so into playing the roll of fake me. People say that you can feel sadness, pain but for me its just a heavy feeling in my chest like a stone has been inserted into my heart, drowning me in nothingness. When things like this normally occur, to try to solve or help it, you tell people what you think the hecks going on with you and they try to understand and tell you to "have a chat" with someone as if "oh even though i dont even know what im feeling, one look therapist karen and everything will become clearer than crystal" I've told my family about this and they were exactly like that, they had a look on their faces that said they "understood" and told me to talk to a therapist but i could just tell that they couldnt and of course its not their fault, however it just made me angry at myself as even though everyone tells you that talking or writing a diary helps it really doesn't, for me anyway, because they dont get it and they never will as they aren't me. Even though sometimes i dont want to, I have to rely on my own, even though i want someone to fully understand what on earths happening to me but i now realise, that will never happen because as i've already said. They're not me. Things may help with the feeling temporarily like listening to music but once the music stops i remember what i was so desperately trying drown out with the rhythmic beats and choruses. Sometimes i just stare the sky, be it scattered full of clouds, or dusted with stars, and wonder. Why am i like this? Whats my purpose for being like this? I mean why cant the scalding tears of pain course down my cheeks like i so desperately want them to, but its as if my body just upright refuses to let out any raw emotion and only expresses the pain and echoing cavern of loneliness that i feel with every fake grin, laugh or joke. So in the end it just stays within me, a weight that drowns me in nothingness. Even though i keep refering to myself in this post like everything moves to my own flow, this post is probably the one way i can express what i feel so im sorry if im sounding a bit self-obsessed and im giving off some "its all about me" vibes. Right now im thinking: is this really a good idea to let anonymous people judge you on this? but im just going to go for it.

I literally have no reason to feel like this, i have family, friends who are so great and also things that interest me like creative writing but everyday i feel like someone else is just letting my body drift through each day like a puppet on strings. Sometimes i will just listen to my family outside of a door or walk past peoples houses and just see all of the life within them and feel as if there is some sort of invisible ocean between me and that life as if i can never fully reach it.My pain and sadness are smothered by laughs, grins and an "i dont care" attitude and tbh sometimes i cant even distinguish the real me or the fake me as i get so into playing the roll of fake me. People say that you can feel sadness, pain but for me its just a heavy feeling in my chest like a stone has been inserted into my heart, drowning me in nothingness. When things like this normally occur, to try to solve or help it, you tell people what you think the hecks going on with you and they try to understand and tell you to "have a chat" with someone as if "oh even though i dont even know what im feeling, one look therapist karen and everything will become clearer than crystal"I've told my family about this and they were exactly like that, they had a look on their faces that said they "understood" and told me to talk to a therapist but i could just tell that they couldnt and of course its not their fault, however it just made me angry at myself as even though everyone tells you that talking or writing a diary helps it really doesn't, for me anyway, because they dont get it and they never will as they aren't me. Even though sometimes i dont want to, I have to rely on my own, even though i want someone to fully understand what on earths happening to me but i now realise, that will never happen because as i've already said. They're not me. Things may help with the feeling temporarily like listening to music but once the music stops i remember what i was so desperately trying drown out with the rhythmic beats and choruses. Sometimes i just stare the sky, be it scattered full of clouds, or dusted with stars, and wonder. Why am i like this? Whats my purpose for being like this?I mean why cant the scalding tears of pain course down my cheeks like i so desperately want them to, but its as if my body just upright refuses to let out any raw emotion and only expresses the pain and echoing cavern of loneliness that i feel with every fake grin, laugh or joke. So in the end it just stays within me, a weight that drowns me in nothingness. Even though i keep refering to myself in this post like everything moves to my own flow, this post is probably the one way i can express what i feel so im sorry if im sounding a bit self-obsessed and im giving off some "its all about me" vibes.Right now im thinking: is this really a good idea to let anonymous people judge you on this? but im just going to go for it.