its just so confusing and trying

Time Spent- 1h 32m
38 Visitors

Sorry if i word my article wrong English is not my 1st language

well here goes nothing, i don't know if i am depressed actually i don't think i am, from what I saw and read depressed people suffer a lot more, but i guess I'm either lazy or spoiled or both i don't know but i really do not want to live and at the same time I don't want to die because i will probably end up in hell because i do not follow my religion rules which mean i lose in both life and after life so I'm stuck in this weird situation where i want to die but i know it wont be better if i did, i think about dying and ending and how i would do it a lot but i know i won't do it and I really hate myself i really really despise myself and i ruin everything i try as well everything around because i know if i was to disappear the life's of all the people around will get a lot more better even if they got sad for a month or 2 yes even my parents, but i just can't give them that because like always i am a coward I'm sacred of what will happen after, and i can't tell anybody about this because everyone already view me as a pathetic waste of space and i don't blame them i share their view ever since i failed at point in my life and i was broken from failing i hated how everyone looked at me I hated how i looked at me but i got up and rebuild my life and what i failed but i just can't rebuild me i hate me so much that I don't want to help me and I will not show anyone else my weakness even the people close to me because i hated how they viewed me and still do when I needed their help and how my father stepped on me and made me beg so he would think about helping me and rub my failures in face every time he sees me but still i don't blame him if i had a son like me i would hate my life and wish i just slept that night i know its all my fault i should have done better but I'm trying and i just cant accept me i hate me i really do, i always spend time thinking about how i would kill myself in the best way so i don't cause trouble other than them crying, like cleaning, organizing and throwing my things and then do it in place when it is easy to clean like in the tub or in a large plastic bag, and i wont talk to professionals there is a lot more people who actually need the time i will waste complaining about poor little me, well i will stop here and post it before i change my mind and delete it like always.