I always hold myself back from speaking my truth, that I have depression and Im not doing well in handling it.
I quit my job because of depression and Im scared to look for a new one because Im not confident in myself and Im afraid that my depression will get in the way just like what it always did, Im also feel so much guilt because Im jobless and I cant help my parents financially. It makes me feel useless specially during the times that we need money and I cant contribute anything, I cant even buy gifts for my parents and sibling this Christmas.
I also have this passive thoughts about suicide, I tried last year but I stopped myself (Somehow I regret it) because I dont want to ruin my family's Christmas permanently. Im not strong enough to attempt again but I always have this thoughts and it haunts me everytime.
I wanted to reach out to people but I frel like Im becoming a burden and Im always too negative that its becoming toxic to them, some of my friends ignored me because of that, so I did what depressed people usually do, I stop talking about my feelings, even when its too much for me to hold, I hold it and pretend that its not real, It hurts a lot, it feels heavy but its the only choice I have, I dont have anyone to talk to about this, no one will understand anyway, even if they try to they surely wont last
sorry for my bad english