Warning: This post contains Adult content. Reader discretion is advised.
depressed
stress
helplessness
self-harm
abusement

It's too much

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Honestly I don't even know where to start. I'm a teenager who's stressed as fuck and diagnosed with depression. Maybe things wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the ridiculously high expectations of me. Bit of background: My parents met early high school/late middle school, neither finished college. My mum had to quit when she had my brother, my dad just didn't care. He didn't want anything to do with him, but constant pressure from my mum finally convinced him to bond with his son. But as she should've expected, he's a horrible father. 3 years later, she became pregnant from me but his dumbass refused to believe it because apparently he "doesn't make girls." Thus she somewhat accepted it and I wasn't required to go with him every other weekend like my brother was. Instead, my great aunt and uncle offered to help and raised me for her since she now had to work two jobs to support us. I was raised by them the first 3 years of my life, and I knew them as my mama and papa, though I still knew who my real mother was. But here's the catch, my papa's a mechanical engineer who's extremely intelligent and was very successful in high school, got into a top university, and is now a senior engineer. So as you could guess, he's been pretty successful. Being raised by someone like that was nice because he could tech me pretty much anything I needed from school. But the down side is, he's a Christian pastor (as is his wife) and they both expect me to be an intelligent, holy christian girl. Which as a child, I didn't mind because it's how I was taught and school was simple. But as I got older those expectations became stronger, and my entire family expected me to be that way. Going back a little, once I turned 3 my "brilliant" father took my mom to court so he could ave custody over me. It was ordered that I go with him every other weekend with my brother. But, did he finally become a responsible parent and properly care for his children? No. Not at all. He couldn't care less what happened to us or what we did. Hell I have a scar on my forehead from getting hit on the head while my cousins were playing baseball at a birthday party. I had a huge bump, was bleeding, and hallucinating. All he did was sat me down and told me to stop crying. 3 years old. The next day when I was dropped off at my mom's she was furious, he hadn't even told her what happened. I was taken to the hospital immediately and the doctors said I could've died in my sleep. But anyways, that's how my life was from then on. I'd be with my mom for a weekend, go with the pastors during the week and go with my dad every other weekend. Until I turned 8, and my parents decided to move in together. Fast forward 4 years, they got into an argument and my dad hit my mom, resulting in him getting arrested and he moved out. My mom got into the terrible habit of drinking away her problems, my dad's always been a drug addict. I started self harming at 12 years old, because it was the only way I knew to calm myself down. My brother had just been admitted to a mental ward for attempt of suicide, and my great grandmother, somebody who I'd cherished deeply passed away. I did my best to keep my grades up, only getting A's and high B's. Why? Because Anything less than an A was disappointing and I didn't wanna deal with anymore bullshit. My mother found out about me self harming and called me stupid, saying she'd get in trouble if anyone found out. She was only thinking about herself. Was she concerned about me hurting myself and the reasons why? Not. At. All. She just didn't wanna lose her job and claimed I was doing it for attention. I'm sorry what? What more attention could I possibly need? I practically have three households and 2 different sets of parents to please. I started a YouTube channel that same year, and I used it as a way to escape reality. Making stories and short animations kept me distracted and happy. And for about a year, that was one of the only reasons I could keep a smile. I' gained quite a lot of subscribers who loved my content and supported me, and my brother was feeling a bit better. But then once again, everything fell to hell. One day after New Years and a day before my birthday, 2020. My mom made me delete every video on my channel, and just like that I'd lost nearly all my subscribers. A few months later she kicked me out of the house over a stupid argument, and I was forced to go spend the weekend with my dad. I hate my dad, for reasons stated before, and one more thing. He's a fucking pervert. Forcing me to kiss him on the mouth as a child, touching me where he shouldn't. Even now that I'm 15, he still tries to get me to kiss him on the moth but I've grown strong enough to push him off. Unfortunately I'm now paranoid of being touched, and scared that one day he's gonna try to rape me. I've stopped self harming, but only because my mum threatened to make me permanently delete my channel and connected social media account. I've made some really close friends because of my social media account, ones I never want to lose. They even let me vent sometimes and try to give advice. Back to present day: I'm currently in summer school to get ahead in math and on the water polo team. I'm not a very social person, (social anxiety) so I don't exactly speak much with my teammates. So I've been threatened by the pastors to start speaking with them/get to know them or they'll make me quit the team because there's no use in being on a team if I don't communicate with them. And on top of that, every test and grade I get during summer school is closely monitored and criticized. Even if it's an A. A 95% "Isn't good enough. Getting a full score isn't hard. Stop being lazy and don't be complacent. See this as a failure and motivation to work harder" So yeah. All this and yet somehow I'm still somewhat functioning. And I didn't even cover everything, but I think I've written enough for now. If anyone has any advice, or at least some comforting words please say something. I'm at my breaking point.