I often wondered what pictures my family would use after my passing.Would they make a video tribute?Would they keep it private?I would go into my photos on Facebook, Instagram, my phone, and pick the ones I think best represent my life.They're the happy ones of course.One from Disney land on a ride called Splash Mountain.One from when I was in Montreal.Would they include ones with Ash and Willow?Would they include ones with Snoop and Maple?I was curious about whether they would ask friends for photos they had of me.I could never think of who would.Maybe Tash?Maybe Helen and Lucas?I remember when Hannah and Abbey had gone searching through their old gymnastics photos once and sent ones of me through, it was nice.I can never find gymnastics ones of me, we never took any.I'd cry as I went through them.I felt like I was saying goodbye each time I did this.In a way I was.It would be when I thought that it'd be fine.But the idea of making it permanent was scary, I wanted to lie down and sleep until everything was over; or restart from the beginning.I regret a lot of what I did.I wonder where my life would have gone if I'd chosen different paths.But then I felt destroyed by the circle of hating what I've become and done while comparing it to my experiences I've had.If I'd ended it earlier I wouldn't have made it to Canada, or America, or Australia.I wouldn't have meet my friends.Would they come to the funeral if they could?Would the cousins and aunts come from Australia to see me laid to rest?I never wanted to die because I knew it would leave a trail of destruction behind.My sister, my mums, my brother, my dad, Vicki, Jay, Scout, my cousins and aunts.I think it would overwhelm Millie and Alex.I think Ned would struggle deeply.I don't even want to imagine how it would hurt my family.But I do, often, because that's what makes me pause and rethink.I can't leave because there's too much harm in that action.I can find my happiness, just not all the time.I can find my happiness, just in brief moments where my family make me laugh.When we talk about poo and sex at the dinner table.When we go to peaches and cream for 18th birthdays.When we tease each other about partners.It's special and I don't want to lose that.But ever now and then, it's hard.I have to think about the people around me more than I'm thinking about myself.And eventually, I'm okay again.But over, and over again, I ruin myself.I let everything pile inside and a bit more of myself chips off.Maybe one day there will be the one chip, the one catalyst that crumbles the rest of me down to dust.But until that day comes, I have to remember.The people around me care, they just don't understand.It's not how it's described. It's not like I'm sad all of the time.I just can't control it.I won't try for me.But I will try for my family.I will try for my friends.

I often wondered what pictures my family would use after my passing.Would they make a video tribute?Would they keep it private?I would go into my photos on Facebook, Instagram, my phone, and pick the ones I think best represent my life.They're the happy ones of course.One from Disney land on a ride called Splash Mountain.One from when I was in Montreal.Would they include ones with Ash and Willow?Would they include ones with Snoop and Maple?I was curious about whether they would ask friends for photos they had of me.I could never think of who would.Maybe Tash?Maybe Helen and Lucas?I remember when Hannah and Abbey had gone searching through their old gymnastics photos once and sent ones of me through, it was nice.I can never find gymnastics ones of me, we never took any.I'd cry as I went through them.I felt like I was saying goodbye each time I did this.In a way I was.It would be when I thought that it'd be fine.But the idea of making it permanent was scary, I wanted to lie down and sleep until everything was over; or restart from the beginning.I regret a lot of what I did.I wonder where my life would have gone if I'd chosen different paths.But then I felt destroyed by the circle of hating what I've become and done while comparing it to my experiences I've had.If I'd ended it earlier I wouldn't have made it to Canada, or America, or Australia.I wouldn't have meet my friends.Would they come to the funeral if they could?Would the cousins and aunts come from Australia to see me laid to rest?I never wanted to die because I knew it would leave a trail of destruction behind.My sister, my mums, my brother, my dad, Vicki, Jay, Scout, my cousins and aunts.I think it would overwhelm Millie and Alex.I think Ned would struggle deeply.I don't even want to imagine how it would hurt my family.But I do, often, because that's what makes me pause and rethink.I can't leave because there's too much harm in that action.I can find my happiness, just not all the time.I can find my happiness, just in brief moments where my family make me laugh.When we talk about poo and sex at the dinner table.When we go to peaches and cream for 18th birthdays.When we tease each other about partners.It's special and I don't want to lose that.But ever now and then, it's hard.I have to think about the people around me more than I'm thinking about myself.And eventually, I'm okay again.But over, and over again, I ruin myself.I let everything pile inside and a bit more of myself chips off.Maybe one day there will be the one chip, the one catalyst that crumbles the rest of me down to dust.But until that day comes, I have to remember.The people around me care, they just don't understand.It's not how it's described. It's not like I'm sad all of the time.I just can't control it.I won't try for me.But I will try for my family.I will try for my friends.