I've become a resentful person

Time Spent- 25m
17 Visitors

I've been trying to be a nice person. But there have always been specific people in my life for whom I just can't stand to be nice for anymore, family members and friends included. At some point, I feel like actions and consequences accumulated and they no longer deserved my kindness. They don't deserve forgiveness, even for most small, thoughtless things. I've started to call myself 'resentful', bc ppl kept staring me down when they noticed my anger and when I denied a request for kindness. Those ppl, who hurt me, forgot about everything a day later and somehow made everyone else forget about it soon after, too - they make me question my own sanity. It's not exactly gaslighting, but it is manipulation and willful, painfully stubborn ignorance. I hate how they misuse their power and how they play into my anxiety. How they twist every word. And I'm angry at everyone who watched it happen and forgot about it again and again. How they normalized it happening over the years. And suddenly it's me who is overreacting - and I am. I can't stop myself. I decided that I recognized these familiar patterns and that I didn't want this circle anymore. I told them. They denied me anything. They blamed me, I blamed them. I call myself resentful, they call me resentful. But I'm being this way bc I'm scared that they will never acknowledge the harm they cause. Or they will 'forget' that they ever did anything at all - all of those small and big things. So, now, I'm just known as resentful, and they call it a personal failure of my personality. So only I am to blame for my irrational anger. And there is a lot of anger inside me and I know that most would judge it as over the top, too. And I fear that my anger and pain and my accusations will be dismissed - just bc of my open resentment, bc I can't calmly talk about why they hurt my feelings. Talking about hurt feelings never helped. How can I process my anger? Is there anything I can do to make myself feel better? I can't change them. But I can't keep my anger - it doesn't help me, sadly. And I'm sorry, I can't write normally. It doesn't feel right