I've just discovered this, and i'm glad that i did. The reason why im here is, i've always felt so anxious about everything. Like messeging, i would always check my text if it's written correctly, if it's good if it's alright with the person i'm chatting to. And also, when my siblings don't understand that i also felt anxious going out, I would always check my clothes and face if it's alright and pretty. But that's not the only thing. Because i've been living my whole life checking for others, caring for others, being kind, and grateful even in the slightest movement people for me. But they've never been even grateful what I do to them, what i did to them. They don't even understand me, while i try my best to understand them, even read a bunch of whole freaking article on how to blablabla for them. I always want to not be this, like this kind, but i can't because i know that i will regret not helping them, especially when they are in their worst days. But when i come to think it in the shower, i just think God never really gave back the things i do for people and for strangers. Well God did when i asked for a freaking mop so i can clean my room. But that's just it. I've tried and tried to plead to him that "Please just make my life easier, the people's lives around me easier" but guess what, nothing. Instead God gave it to others, living their whole lives. Especially my siblings, they've got boyfriends to care for them, they've got gifts and plushies while im here begging for some money just to buy myself a plushies and a stress fidget toys. You know, i always felt cutting myself, but i never did because im afraid of blood, so i spent my whole day searching and searching to find out on items to not try self harm. And so now im obsessed with sticking some bandages on my body just to felt like i did cut myself. I don't want to die yet. I've got to go to concert, to be a millionaire, to have my own home.
anyways, im so sorry to this long ass paragraph. i just wanted to share these to strangers hoping that they would feel the same. i also hoped that someone did make it through here. thank you tho teehee