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I feel lost and alone.

This year so far has probably been the worst year of my life. I know that it has been really bad for everyone and others will have had worse things happen and worse years but, I just don’t know what to do.

Lots of good things have happened this year, getting married being the best bit of the year.

Otherwise this year has messed me up quite a bit and it feels like talking about it is incredibly selfish because it’s my fault in many ways and a lot of the things that weigh on my mind are bad/inadequate things that I have done.

B4 the world went to shit, I was told by my partner that our sexual relationship wasn’t what I thought it was and hadn’t been for some time. She didn’t want to tell me because she didn’t want to be upset. I’m still at a point where I’m really not sure what I can back on fondly or not and it’s really fucking with my image of myself. I feel incredibly guilty and just sad too. I feel like a bad husband all the time. I try really hard but, can’t seem to cut it. My partner has some mental health issues and we were both struggling with it during lockdown. I wasn’t present enough to help her and she felt she was carrying us whereas I felt like she wasn’t present either and that we were both drowning. I didn’t live up my end of the bargain. Bad husband. I often feel like a bad husband and also often feel like a bad person. I like to think myself as good but, the voice inside me knows different. I used to look at myself and be fairly confident that I am good but, it’s not so clear anymore.

recently, I found out more about our sexual relationship that I feel very guilty about but, can’t talk to my partner about it because it’s my fault and I don’t feel like I can properly get through these things anymore because I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about them.

i recently realised that I find emotional regulation really hard And this is coupled with me already knowing that I find disclosing my emotions hard. Whenever I get sad, I find it really hard to put a lid on it and this is often triggered by the guilt I feel when my partner talks to me about these things that I have fucked up in our relationship. I’m really defensive and I’ve tried so hard not to be but, I don’t know where to go next with any of this. I know there’s something wrong but, I don’t know what to do. I ruin things for others, especially my partner. I often think about killing myself but, I know that I won’t because it would financially fuck up my partner and I would never willingly hurt them.

im living with my partner, another couple and a baby and I just miss when I just lived with my partner. Moving in with them was the worst mistake I’ve ever made and I worry so much about money and the life I can give to my wife. I want to lock all my feelings up and just work on being a good husband but, I can’t, I’m really trying but, it’s not working. I’m hoping this does. I wish I had someone I could trust this with but, I don’t. I think that’s everything. I’m sorry.