Back in the pre-pandemic days, my life isn't really perfect and it's really hard, but compared to now, it is definitely better. My life used to have a direction. I know what I want and I am so sure of it. Throughout the years, that determination and passion slowly started to decline, yet I still have the spark in me that says I can still reach for my dreams. Then came 2020. January 2020 was the start of my new semester wherein the subjects are harder than before. I was overwhelmed with how hard the subjects are, and I was not really able to balance all my subjects, nor study well like I used to. My passion and desire to still go on and become a doctor dropped to 50%. Everything was just falling apart in front of my eyes, while everyone around me seems okay. Then came the pandemic. My physical and more importantly, my mental health started to deteriorate more. Each day was really hard for me, and being in school makes my anxiety levels spike up because I am so frustrated on as to how poor my performance is because I AM NOT OKAY. Even so, I did finish the sem. Fast forward, it's was time to enroll again on the new semester. It is the first time that learning will be fully done online, so I didn't know what to expect. I was afraid of what's to come, but I have no choice but to study. It was one of a hell ride. I did not really learn that much because I am not a fast learner, and I cannot really learn everything on my own. Most professors also weren't really teaching, and are just giving us quizzes and school works. It was a total disaster. My tuition fee is really expensive yet I am not learning anything. I tried my best to study and focus, but my fucked up mental health really pulled me down. I hated myself so much for it. For the rest of the sem, my friends and I just did what we can for the sake of survival, and until now, I can't really forgive myself on what had happened in that semester. Friends whom I have told the story to told me that it wasn't really that grave and that sometimes, we really do things that we didn't expect we'd do because we need to survive. The semester ended, but even with that, right from the start of the vacation up until now that I am once again enrolled (I DID NOT REALLY WANT TO ENROLL. MY PARENTS WON'T ALLOW ME TO NOT ENROLL, AND ADDITIONALLY, THE PROS OF ENROLLING THIS SEM IS WAY TOO MANY THAN THE CONS) I am still haunted, and still can't move-on. I hated myself more than ever. Now since I did not really learn anything from the past sem, I am terrified of what's about to come and happen for this sem. I am hoping and praying for things to be better, and for me to learn something because I want to redeem myself of being worthy to be a part of the field I'm interested in. As the semester is about to start, I want to finally work on myself, particularly, my mental health because it kills me so much. On the other hand, I also kinda lost my passion for the career path I wanted to take in the first place because I don't see myself as someone who's capable and worthy. I AM A LOST GIRL NOW, NOWHERE TO GO, AND I ALSO CAN'T SEEM TO SEE THE END OF THE TUNNEL OF THIS SUFFERING. I just wish for me to get better in school, as well as to stop hating myself. (Sorry if this was idk, too messy. I just really needed to let this out on my chest, as a part of forgiving and taking care of myself)