For a very long time I guess more than 2.5 years I never showcased my actual emotions and always pretended to be someone else. More like a complete another person, someone who is very kinky, easy going, happy go lucky, carefree, flirting, dtf, bitchy, mean and what not. A few of the traits were limited to texting but at times they were in acted in person too.
Why if you may ask? I was scared, that nobody would want to date me if I’m not freaky and kinky. Just because of all this fake portraying, so many boys if I may say started giving me attention and I liked it and that’s when I felt that yeah now I’m accepted as someone who is dateable, but I had actually become like this “yeh sirf action Ke liye hai” kind of a girl. I was scared that people would tag me as the “emotional destroyed person” or even maybe the one with “family issues”. I was just scared that I won’t be taken seriously but later I realised that all this freaky dtf behaviour made people not take me seriously more, but by then it was too late. I was hoping from relationships, everyone knew me as the “it” girl, basically my reputation was ruined. I knew that a few parents even would tell their kids ( who I thought were my friends) that “ woh bigdi hui hai, Tu door rehya kar usse”. People who I knew or I was just acquainted with started judging my “character “. I never thought that things would fall into such a bad place.
I’ve had people who would say “ why’re you friends with her? She is a slut and her reputation is bad even yours will get ruined” to my friends / former friends. I had always kept a stand straight up that it’s my reputation and I’ll look after it the way I want to and I don’t need people to tell me how to maintain or better it.
I’ve always felt that it was important for me to get accepted by society, a society of not so perfect people. What an irony. A result of all this second personality, I lost a few friends, a few started behaving as if they’re not friends with me, a few backbitched and what not.
Today I’m not that person anymore, but partly I still feel that I have to be funny for people to like me. I still feel that I want people to accept me.
Genuinely I’m just a girl who loves to listen to music, loves to paint, loves to write, love to sing songs in a pathetic voice, just wants to be loved, loves to visit museums, love to drink and talk her heart out, hates sex or any physical attachment other than kissing and cuddling.