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Just a normal girl

For a very long time I guess more than 2.5 years I never showcased my actual emotions and always pretended to be someone else. More like a complete another person, someone who is very kinky, easy going, happy go lucky, carefree, flirting, dtf, bitchy, mean and what not. A few of the traits were limited to texting but at times they were in acted in person too. 


Why if you may ask? I was scared, that nobody would want to date me if I’m not freaky and kinky. Just because of all this fake portraying, so many boys if I may say started giving me attention and I liked it and that’s when I felt that yeah now I’m accepted as someone who is dateable, but I had actually become like this “yeh sirf action Ke liye hai” kind of a girl. I was scared that people would tag me as the “emotional destroyed person” or even maybe the one with “family issues”. I was just scared that I won’t be taken seriously but later I realised that all this freaky dtf behaviour made people not take me seriously more, but by then it was too late. I was hoping from relationships, everyone knew me as the “it” girl, basically my reputation was ruined. I knew that a few parents even would tell their kids ( who I thought were my friends) that “ woh bigdi hui hai, Tu door rehya kar usse”. People who I knew or I was just acquainted with started judging my “character “. I never thought that things would fall into such a bad place. 


I’ve had people who would say “ why’re you friends with her? She is a slut and her reputation is bad even yours will get ruined” to my friends / former friends. I had always kept a stand straight up that it’s my reputation and I’ll look after it the way I want to and I don’t need people to tell me how to maintain or better it. 


I’ve always felt that it was important for me to get accepted by society, a society of not so perfect people. What an irony. A result of all this second personality, I lost a few friends, a few started behaving as if they’re not friends with me, a few backbitched and what not. 


Today I’m not that person anymore, but partly I still feel that I have to be funny for people to like me. I still feel that I want people to accept me. 

Genuinely I’m just a girl who loves to listen to music, loves to paint, loves to write, love to sing songs in a pathetic voice, just wants to be loved, loves to visit museums, love to drink and talk her heart out, hates sex or any physical attachment other than kissing and cuddling. 

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I'm sorry to hear you have to go through this. I know how you feel. I've lost many friends because of the pressure to conform to what I thought would make people like me. What I've learned from this, is that to get people to like you, you need to be truly and unapologetically yourself. Just trust me on this.