Just a rant about how depression is for me

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I dont know what to do anymore. I shoudlnt be feeling like I am already done with my life at the age of 125. I dont know what i want to do and i feel like im already a failure. My life is so boring and all i do is ruin everything for myself. My ed makes me feel like i have to constantly be moving and if im not productive physically then im a failure.

Every night i look back at my day and feel like i am an unprodcutive piece of shit and whats the point of continuing. My life is shit, I always tell myself. In the morning/ throughout the day i will feel like im fine and yeah the is a little boring because there isnt really anything to do but Ill be okay, right? But then every night i reflect and think of how boring my day is and how unhelpful i am. Im selfish, im lazy, im boring. I dont have friends, i push all kids my age away because im scared to talk to them./ I want friends, I want people to talk to but i always back out because im scared of what theyre gonna think of me. Im dumb I keep telling myself everytime I leave a social event. I feel so bad for leaving afterwards because I know that they really dont care about what i look like and everyone is having a fun time. Why do I always feel like im a burden in everyone elses life? Every time i do something with other people I always think "they would be having a better timne if you werent there" "you should leave, youre not helping anyone" "nmo one cares taht youre here, no ones even talking ot you." " thats why you have to start the conversation first. thats why no boys like you. thats why that even your two friends that you do have are starting to not like you." I dont know what to do about it. I go therapy to talk about it but I feel like im getting no where. The therapist that I loved and was truly connecting with had to leave and know im with another one who i dont even know. how am i supposed to get better if the person whos trying to help me doesnt understand me. I just wish i was like all the other kids at school. I gave myself all these problems and now i feel bad about it. I beat myself up for beating myself up.

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