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Just another unimportant human

Everyone I've ever known has abandoned me at least once. I am thankful for the ones who feel sorry enough to come back, and I am saddened by the ones who leave for good.

Most of the time I push 'em away, but sometimes people leave of their own accord and it leaves me broken.

I've been dealing with this ever since I was born, and I often find myself having nothing to look forward to. I find myself thinking that I wouldn't mind dying. I've tried taking my life in the last but that didn't work either, so I've just gotten tired of trying.

I've been going to therapy for over a year now, and I don't even know why. I don't know why I try to get better, and I don't even know who I am getting better for.

Is if for the people who don't care about or love me? Is it for the ones who put me in this position?

All I know, is that I know nothing. I have nothing. I am nothing.

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Re: Just another unimportant human

Me too. My dad looked Spanish. My moms family is Native American & black. But both have a lot of white. I popped out with a giant Viking body; blond hair; & yellow blue eyes that literally glow. My dad threw me out at 2. DNA proved I was his a few yrs ago & he still wouldn’t accept it. I don’t look Spanish. My mom drove me out by a lake and abandoned me as a little boy.

That started hell for me. I’m beautiful. That got me yrs of rape; mollestation, & torture. I also have autism.

I realized eventually that people want to look at me; touch me; have sex with me, but they don’t want me. Hot females see me & have sex fantasies. Until I got sick males wanted me on their sports teams so they’d win. But no one wanted me.

So what. In my life I saved a few lives. I helped a lot of people. I defended weak people; the disabled, & gays. No; I’m not gay, but I love the world. I married & had great kids. But my disease took my great job; & then my wife divorced me. Now I’m dirt poor & basically homeless. I see no hope for me. My disease is killing me.

As a boy I could barely walk & couldn’t talk. No one wanted or believed in me. But I fought. I ended up a great athlete & top student in college. I had an elite job. Now I don’t. I’m all alone. My life has been full of sadness. But I’ve made the world better. My kids are good kids. I was a good dad & faithful husband. Now I’m all alone again.

People used me. Abandoned me when I needed them. But that’s ok. I found small joys in all the pain. I’d watch TV & laugh. I still watch cartoons & comedies when I can. I forgave myself. I can’t help it that God made me this way.

I have PTSD from my childhood. I was raped & tortured for many yrs. I was once locked in a dark room for nearly two yrs as a little boy. I’ve eaten bugs & out of trash. I’ve slept in the woods. Life is hard.

But life is short. At the most you get 100 yrs. The universe is millions of yrs old. Your not that important. I have severe depression & anxiety from my PTSD. I have a horrible disease that causes me extreme pain & has nearly killed me so many times I’ve lost count. I still have to focus to talk & walk. I’m autistic.

I’m disabled. I set alone & stare at a wall most days. I couldn’t live for me. So I’ve lived for others. I go every week or two & take food to my kids. I fix my ex wife’s house. I draw funny cartoons for my kids. I send them texts to tell them I love them.

For some reason some of us are going odd. People just can’t seem to love us. Depression clouds our mind. I accepted God made me broken. That I wasn’t loved. So instead I gave love. I still do.

No one ever took me to a church. I still don’t go. Too many hypocrites & hateful preachers for me. But I have faith. This is true. I have nearly died about 10-12 times. Twice I seem to have gone to Heaven & come back. So wonderful. I’m here for a reason. Once I was sent back. The other time I chose to return. I came back to serve. To tell others we will be happy. So I’ll keep fighting my depression & failures. Spend my last days alone. But I still do all the good I can for those I love. When I die I’ll go home. I’ll be happy. No more depression. My loved ones will eventually join me. But until then I’ll try to serve those I love; even if they don’t love me. Just remember to take care of yourself. You can’t help others if you need help.

Just do your best. Accept you are broken & this world is broken.

I love you.