So now I just can’t stop writing, like some strange damn addiction I have. It’s nice being able to just put everything inside my head on paper, I’m not good at talking to people, I’m a very awkward person and sometimes I’m judged because of it. I’m the first to sit by myself in a crowed and the last to leave a room. I make mistakes, lots of mistakes, I do things that don’t resemble my personality at all. I’m living as this fake me that everyone has grown up knowing me as but it just is not me at all. I say weird things in my head, things people would just shame me for, I make jokes I think are funny and do weird little accents but I can’t do that in-front of people. I like to sing and play guitar, I like to just be goofy when I’m by myself, but around others I can’t express.. it has cost me so many relationships, I self destruct, self sabotage, subconsciously but consciously make the same mistakes over and over and over. Do I like hurting myself emotionally? Is that a thing? Who the fuck am I..
2 months ago
Re: Just can’t stop.
Hey! Thought Id chime in to say I totally get this writing addiction phase we're going thru. Mine happened right before I first came here 3 months ago. Filling half a standard spiral notebook was alittle much to share here...LOL. I notice your a fellow muzishun (our spelling..LOL) as well. Also , I can very much ID with your article being the quirkey jokester/ impressionist/voice mimicks and these traits not being a "hit" just for anyone/ everyone. Shared alotta your nescessary "jeckle &hyde" like personna much of this life as well. Now... just curious, when you mention your music passion, its not clear if this gets to be done under Jeckle? or Hyde OR.....Does music allow for the "merging" of the two, putting everyone around you in YOUR world, where how YOU get to act, being your true self carrys the day/ night?..Music for me, age 13-37 allowed me to exist in this "merged" state, often covering for my true life long insecuritys. Allowed the confidence to brave situations, be around high PF ppl, I woulda likely folded under pressure without. By 97, computers had basically takin over ppls lives and the life of this 6 night /wk/49 wks/yr road muzishun came to a screeeeeeechin halt. OH NO.....my mask is GONE now...Had to RE invent myself, doing something TOTALLY different , in the same field, to compensate, and now w/ covid, our music takes but another major hit, your prolly feelin as well? Yeah, I remember having to do what I called, "dailing myself back a bit" when entering a new relationship cause full tilt DR Jeckle would SURLEY put this chick's panties in a bunch..LOL So I get the probs w/ relationships as well. Yeah, just wanted to share a bit with ya in regard to how I can SOOO relate to your story, and was curious where the role of your music fits in?....This "syndrome" HAS gotten MUCH better with age though, in all respects, if thats any consolation. If writing this out has helped, share more if your comfortable!