When my parents yelled in front of me in the rare occasions when they had to meet each other, I never knew this is not normal. I used to see my father once a year or something like that and he mostly acted rude or yelled at me for being "like my mother". My mom, on the other hand, beated me all the time for being "like my father". She even kicked me out of home once and made me beg to stay. I didn't know all this is not normal. What a surprise that I am somehow like my parents. Even so, I adored my mom, she was not only my mother but also a father, grandmother, grandfather, nanny, teacher, best friend. When my she got cancer and was sick for 2 years, I was the only one who was beside her until she lost her mind, then died painfully in front of me. I was still a child. Everybody was saying lots of people lost their mothers so that's nothing. So I believed them and tried to stop being a baby. Soon enough, my aunt who looked after me during my mother's life and after her death, also died of cancer, it was once again nothing for the other people. To top that, my parents wounded me since I was very little so I have intimacy and trust issues. I don't trust people, I am not used to anybody helping me, I do everything myself. Today I realised I never get treated the way I treat other people and it hurt me. I also feel horrible and cry anytime a man gets close to me, can't commit to a relationship because I feel unexplainable raw fear and pain. I am afraid I will die alone because of that. Still, nobody cares, nor does someone understand. Finally, when I started having panic attacks they told me "oh, that's nothing, it's very common". So right now I wonder - will it still be that common if I finally go and kill myself so that someone finally pays attention that I am hurting?