I’ve been told often that I need to be more selfish. But it feels wrong to me. I don’t deserve to be selfish nor do I need to. But I do. I want to be selfish sometimes. Sometimes I just want to tell everyone else to shut up and let me speak. Let me talk about my feelings and how much I’m holding in. How much I’m dealing with. The constant stress that I’m never good enough, that I don’t work hard enough, that nobody likes me, that I bother everyone around me, and the fear and possible reality that my foot might never get better. It’s too much for me. I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind. But I can’t say anything. I don’t want anyone to worry about me or think less of me for it. I don’t tell anyone because I don’t want to feel like a burden. I don’t want to be a bother. Because I care more about what others think about me than I let on. Because being vulnerable is something I’m not good at. My mother says that my brother is more sensitive than I am. That he worries more than I do. The fact that she thinks that bothers me. Because I do worry. I worry myself about things to the point that I almost have panic attacks at times. But she doesn’t seem to listen when I tell her that I’m like that too. “Just because he expresses it more than I do doesn’t mean that I don’t!” Is what I want to say. But I don’t. I can’t. Because unlike him, I feel weak when I express emotions that make me vulnerable. I cry in the shower to hide the fact that I’m stressed, afraid, and incredibly worried about everything. I berate myself then and as tears run down my cheeks and steam rises up I ask why I am the way I am. No answer ever comes though. No matter how much I ask there is never any response. I don’t know why I am the way I am. I’ve been told that God makes everyone the way he wants them to be but I doubt that. God would not make someone like me. He wouldn’t give this talent to someone who fucking hates themselves. He wouldn’t waste something useful on someone like me. Someone who desperately wants to feel happy forever and someone who openly says how they feel. I just want someone to see that I’m not okay. That I’m tired of being the person who asks if everyone else is okay. I’m so tired of wanting to say something to feel better but being afraid of bothering who I would say something to. I want to be able to just say what I want and not care about what they think. Not care if they’ll think less of me or judge me. I just want to be able to get these things off my mind so I can stop hating myself for every mistake I make. Sorry if this was a lot for anyone to read but I just needed to try to get this off of my mind.