Today my father said that online class was easy and insinuating that i wasn't doing anything when i have many papers due. He is always like this ever since I could remember, he would always compare me with high-performing students who were either really hardworking or naturally smart. He would indirectly tell me I was not doing enough when I am trying my best. He ripped my science book once because I failed a test but mind you I was still in the Top 5 of our class. He always invalidates my struggle by saying "you dont have problems" or "how could you have problems" because he had it harder back when he was a kid. I just wanted to tell him I hide my struggles as much as possible. When I was literally starving because he didnt want to add more to my allowance, when i was 50% sick all the time during school away from home, when I have trouble with my mental health and my toxic relationship with men, and when I silently cry so that my parents wouldn't hear me. It just hurts you know to always be compared and to always never be enough in the eyes of your father. But its okay I just have to sort this feelings out and let it go tomorrow.
Re: just wanna rant about my dad
I had no parents. Rough life. My wife & her parents made life easy on our kids. I tried to push them. They slowly dislike me cause only I push them.
I would tell them I love them. I’d hug them. I raised them. When they were little I spoiled them. But then I pushed them. Each differently.
Two of them got mad cause I was easier on the autistic in their minds. In fact he worked harder.
All were lined up for full DI scholarships. Each honor students a yr ahead in class. Ate healthy. Martial arts. Advanced band. Played guitar; drums, piano. Happy. Church volunteers.
Well her parents move by us. Hated all that. Kids should play. I was teaching them to put up fences; install bricks; wood working; plumbing; basic auto repair; computer programming; basic engineering; art. I made them take extra online classes. To me they are harder. I wanted them be able to learn online. I got cussed out for that by ex. This made kids not want to do it.
They said it was child abuse. I let them have way. Quit sports; music; exercising. Started eat junk & endless online gaming. Soon it was just online gaming. 2 of 3 started failing. I got mad & argues with her & her parents. She divorced me.
Kids got way out of hand & had breakdowns. I was the main parent. One was kicked out of school for fighting. One got so upset he had seizures. Now he is learning to walk again. One is on meds & living with grandparents. Two of them want to live with me but I’m still help pay for their house so I rent a unheated storage room in another state. I do that to help pay for all their needs.
I pushed my kids. Taught them to use a bow. Find bait. Fish. Camp. Track. They love their mom’s ways. Goofing off.
But ones in college now. One will graduate soon.
There mom got very upset without me. Her health failed. She may die.
I had a transplant. Caught weird blood infection. I’ll probably be dead in under a year. If she dies; & I die; both in under a year, how will they survive?
Do you think her teaching them to aim low; play games, & eat junk will solve their problems. Or do you think me teaching them to work hard; study hard; improvise, will help them more. I pushed them hard.
I started talking differently to them as they aged cause bosses treat you that way. You have to take it. That’s life.
Your dad is wrong. Online school is harder. No teacher to ask questions. No classmates to work with.
When I was a kid we were beat the hell out of. No one cared. Worked like slaves. Work so hard prisoners aren’t pushed that hard on chain gangs. So he probably feels he is giving you a better life & feels he should be respected.
Put your head down. Tolerate it. Work hard. When you grow up & are on your own then you make a choice. Barely see him. Never see him. I shut most of my family out of my life. For now just deal with it. Have a long term plan. One day you will decide what you do. Be patient.