a month ago
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Just writing

I have really bad social anxiety. But I’m 33 now so I’ve grown to be very good at hiding it. It amazes me when people describe me to myself “never angry or upset and always positive” nobody is really that close to me from my own doing as I’m a very quiet private person. I’ve grown up this way. I had what I now know was depression when I was around 14. Since then I’ve been a very withdrawn individual as my social anxiety was so bad I was unable to talk to people. It didn’t help that I was basically not talked to anyway. It’s Honestly probably because I’m hard work to talk to in the first place because I’m so awkward. Basically I’ve been suicidal for years and years. I don’t really have bad days I have good days but it never changes the deep routed feeling of not wanting to be here. I’ve been unable to form any type of relationship with a man pretty much since I passed the age of 18 as I found I’m not able to talk to a man like a normal human unless I’m drunk full of Dutch courage. I’ve never had a proper relationship and obviously no kids and still live with my parents lol ridiculous I know. And this in turn makes me even more nervous to speak to people and have to say my age where I live and who I’m not with. I genuinely don’t understand my purpose of being here. There’s women with families and husbands and whole lives that are being taken by cancer and all sorts of things wishing they could live and then there’s me. It’s not even a case of how u imagine suicidal people.. tears streaming feeling pushed out by the world.. I feel like I’ve pushed myself out but it’s been out of my control. The whole part of having social anxiety (which I didn’t have a name for until recently) means I can’t even bring myself to see a doctor. The reason I need to go is the same reason I can’t. But even seeing a doctor wouldn’t help.. I’ve tried meditation and anxiety techniques but I’m still the same mumbly awkward anxious person. I’m so deeply unhappy and the only thing keeping me here is obviously a fear of actually going through with it (pain suffering wise) and my family and honestly my dog lol not really sure why I made this post but yeah. Talking doesn’t help if I’m honest because clearly talking is my worst nightmare and also it really changes nothing when it comes to me. I really have no idea what my purpose in this world is supposed to be. I’m fucking awful

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a month ago

Re: Just writing

I can tell you right now your not awful. But I completely understand you. Anxiety is the worst thing to deal with or even being depressed I’ve had really bad anxiety and it even lead to anxiety tics. I can’t even have a Norma job without blacking out I thought maybe it was medical but it’s not I’ve even been rushed to hospitals because my working pals thought it was other things. I was block always from people all though out high school which yeah didn’t help was also help and wasn’t really aloud to go out or meet people. And it sucks when it come to relationships as well. It had even driven me into the dark and I’ve tried multiple times of commuting but I’m still here. It’s hard and it’s really not the easiest to cope or find ways to help most people try cbd or smoking but tha yes not something everybody wants to go to. Just to be “normal”. Your still young and regardless of you ever find somebody all you can do is try to enjoy life the best you can even if it’s just with your dog . But I definitely will say try maybe meeting people online. It’s helped me a lot and getting to know them and being slow maybe face calls and then meeting in person . People are pretty understanding I might not have the best advice but I would like to somewhat share what I do