If I could have a dollar for the amount of times I've had the phrase "Suck it up" or "I'm sorry you feel this way" thrown at me, I'd be rich. I hate how people in my family treat me- My sister harasses me over the smallest things, my mother is an unpredictable whirlwind, my brother jumps on the bandwagon to yell and pester me whenever I get into "trouble", and you wouldn't even think that my father exists with the amount of neglect I've received from him over the years. I feel like none of them take me seriously. Lol. They don't listen when I tell them things- they don't believe me and the things I tell them- they don't even think I'm being honest. They're always downstairs having a great time, and when I go down to make the attempt to join them, they stop and stare as if I ruined the energy. I feel so out of place here. I don't want to be here. I have friends in school, but this country ruined my chances of being happy. The people who were selfish and spread disease, the people who target people of my race and sexuality for being different from theirs, the people who target the freedom that we barley have- They all ruined my life. Everyday feels the same. It's this empty terrible feeling that bounces around within me, I can be happy around some people but even when I'm with them the feeling won't disappear. Thoughts I don't even remember thinking just won't go away. I can't cry- It doesn't make me feel better. I don't even know how to describe how it feels. It sucks. It's horrible. It's wrong. It isn't fair. I don't want to feel like this anymore, I don't know if I can go on like this. I'm nervous all the time, my head is spinning, it hurts, my heart feels cold and empty- I don't know how else to describe it other than as if the world has stopped being colorful. When I get the splash of color from others, something has to happen to rip it from me, and tear it from my fingertips. When I'm on the train, I watch the city's rooftops- Imagining the freedom that jumping from one would be. If I'm honest, I've written out plans. I have them on my computer. Just Friday, when I was able to hang out with a group of friends for once, I made a plan for my own suicide. I'm in a perpetual loop of grief over these times. Yes, over and over I've suffered. No matter how much I say "Ah, I'm satisfied with this. It's okay" I can't believe it. I want to go back to when I was a child- I didn't have to worry about upholding such high expectations, balancing methods of keeping people disease free, being in line with the current politics fuck. Fuck all of it. I want to go back to being ignorant about my family. I wish I never knew any of it, or any of them. The utopia I once had slips through my fingers and vanishes. It seems surely a bit too late to return to that time, it seems. Next month is my birthday. If I still feel like this by then, I'll do something about it.I'll put an end to it when I become too tired to walk on.It's time to drop the curtain.