This is a secret I’ve been keeping for a long time and there’s no one I can tell because I’m afraid they’ll judge and hate me. It was a lie I said when I was much younger and it snowballed. When I was little my friend (also girl) touched me inappropriately and I had an orgasm. I was so young and we engaged in sexual behaviors. It brought me a lot of shame which lead to me developing a serious eating disorder. It made me think I was gay and my mom is homophobic. I began therapy and had to go to residential mental health treatment. Several therapists said I showed symptoms of child sexual abuse and wouldn’t drop it. At the first treatment center I was sent to I told them about the girl touching me and they invalidated me and said that wouldn’t cause this level of mental/emotional damage. I was badgered by my parents and professionals to share “more” even though I’d already told them what happened. I told multiple people the same story and it was invalidated that it was my traumatic experience. I was pressured and eventually in therapy a couple years later I said that the previously mentioned friends mom is the one who touched me, which was a lie. My mom had implied that maybe she had done something to me and I denied it. When my mom heard me “admit” it she said she knew it the whole time. My parents got the answer they wanted and could then blame my problems on her. I spoke for years about the “abuse” I “endured” from her and i was completely lying. It was like I had to talk about what actually happened using a different person. She was reported to DHS by my therapist (I was a minor) and nothing ever happened. I’ve told treatment professionals and friends about my abuse and it’s all a lie. I started to enjoy being a victim and how people finally cared about me and felt bad for me. I thrived off of it. My mom and brother ran into this woman at target and my mom yelled at her calling her an abuser and my brother smashed her new car. A year later the police came to my brothers door with a warrant for his arrest and he was charged with vandalizing I think. The woman didn’t do anything to deserve that (she was a shitty person but still didn’t deserve that). I believe my mom even contacted the school she worked at and told them she was a pedophile and tried to get her fired which I don’t know if it happened. I never would’ve let my parents or anyone go as far as legally charging her with the crime but her name was slandered. I’ve felt so guilty for years and now I can’t sleep without dreaming of running into her and having to face my lies. Thankfully I moved away from that area but I’m still terrified of crossing paths. Like I said I got into the victim mentality and wanted people to feel sorry for me. I also lied about a couple of rapes that never happened. I know I’m a horrible person for this. I was young and hurting and wanted someone to pay attention to me. I told the rapes to friends and therapists so no action was taken against them because I obviously lied and my goal wasn’t to hurt them, i had very selfish intentions. It wasn’t really about those guys at all. I’ve received so much sympathy and compassion for these lies. Even though I’ve stopped saying them, a lot of people in my life believe these to be true. I don’t want anyone to think I’m a horrible person and a liar (even though clearly I am). I’m also afraid I could be prosecuted for making a false name or for defamation. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone it got way out of control. I wish I could take it back but this was years ago. I got the treatment I needed and am the happiest I’ve ever been except for my secret. It’s eating away at me. Since no action was ever taken there’s nothing to even reverse so I feel stuck with how to let it out and find peace. I want to tell my boyfriend but I don’t want him to hate me because he’s the love of my life. Also I’m afraid that people will use my false accusations to not believe people who’ve been abused and raped. At one point my dad was also reported (nothing happened) because of my lies. My dad hurt me but not in the way I said. I was more just scared. I’ve changed completely as a person since these events and want to right my wrongs. I can’t keep this bottled up. I want to feel free and at peace. Words can’t even begin to describe how sorry I and the shame I feel. These people didn’t deserve this.