(Tw: abuse and self harm)
I don't really know how to start this so I'll just say it. I feel like I need to have more scars. I have been through a lot and though I might still have it pretty good. To me it is hell. To me I can barely stand it. My mom the only person who knows all of it says that she had it worse but to be honest I think we are about tied. Brief background, (she was in a abusive house hold and never got most of the abuse, (it was my grandma that got most of it). And again I have never experienced what she went through so I have no clue how bad it was and don't have a first person account. But she will always tell me how bad it was and how she had it way worse. but the worst part is she will never come out and say it. That is how it is for my whole family, there is this little code, everything has more then one meaning.
I was emotional, verbally abused by my dad, along with neglected and gaslighting from both of them.) But no one has ever laid a figure on me and though I know I should be grateful but there is this part of me that wished they would have just hit me. Beat the shit out of me, like what they did to my mind. then I would have something to put a bandaid on or a wound to heal. I feel like all the crap I have been through and the only scars I have are from myself. And everyone just thinks it's me, I'm the problem, even me. That I was born sick in the head and that's why I want to die. That it's all my fault and if I just would have been born normal none of this would have happened. My mom whenever I talked about it will basically tell me this. It's just getting to much I can't move without feeling like I am stepping into a trap. They basically screwed me up so bad I can't even make friends anymore or a boyfriend to get out of there because I can't just pretend that I am fine and being 16 no one is looking for a friend or mate that is a fixer upper. And really they are right it is my fault because if I would have never existed or wasn't born sick in the head everything would be fine. I won't wake up wanting to die. I won't have panic attacks after someone talks to loud or hearing my own mother's voice. But I really should be thankful because at least the verbal abuse stopped.
I know how this sounds and I am sorry. This is just how I feel. Thank you for your time. Sorry about the rant.