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Life sucks

I’m 17, I’ve always lived like I have things to worry about. My dad was an alcoholic. He used to hurt himself and cuss at God for the life he never chose. I always asked forgiveness for all the time he spent doing this. As I grew up, I drifted away from all my happiness and just kept walking towards disaster. When I was 14, my mom decided to live with her older sister and of course, me and younger brother tagged along. My dad lived all alone with his mother (my grandmother) then. But he visited us, occasionally. I’ve gone through a lot during my stay at my aunt’s. Things I never want to talk about. Thankfully, when I was a little over 15, we shifted back to my dad’s. But sadly, I couldn’t get back quite well to my academics. I started skipping school and used to get beaten up by my parents for it. My whole neighbourhood started judging me, Including my friends and teachers from the past 14 years. They thought I didn’t have a future, I’m afraid they were right. Time passed, I started attending school again. In no time, I graduated and got in college but my insecurities got the best of me. You see, I’ve always been on the healthier side or as society says, I was fat and I still am. I felt like all the other girls were much beautiful. I was dumb enough to show up with unshaven legs and arms at the orientation. I didn’t realise it then but now I’m so embarrassed. I started skipping my lectures. I started by skipping just two or three in the beginning but then I started avoiding even entering the premises of my college. My parents think I graduated my 11 grade but I never did. I never showed up to college after the first 3 weeks of it starting. They now think I’m in 12 grade but I’m not. Everyone’s answered they’re exams but I haven’t and my parents don’t know that. The results are going to be out in a few days and they’re expecting mine. Since I started skipping college, I started getting panic attacks. And I still get them, only now it’s developed into depression. It feels as though all the doors are shutting and the only door open says “suicide”. I’ve been suicidal for the past 2 years. Never got the guts to do it. I always got away with postponing it but now I don’t think I can. As the days go by, I feel like I’m nearing my death. My mom keeps counting the days to my results, little does she know she’s counting the days to my funeral. I can’t get myself to tell them the truth. They’ll think I’m even more of a disgrace than I already am. I’m not getting treated for the depression because no one thinks a 17 year old teenager can go through it. “You’re too young” they say. I’ve come to realise that even tho I tell myself to fight or do the right thing, I never listen. When I try to cry, I feel like I’m not going through enough pain to cry. It’s just sadness. And that still makes me doubt myself. Regardless, I feel like ending my life. I don’t think anyone can make talk me out of this decision. I don’t know how many people will actually read this or how many can relate but I really wanted to talk about it without anyone judging or telling me that I’m doing a bad thing. “Have you thought about what you’re family will go through?”. I’m committing suicide for fucks sake, you really want to talk about what my family will go through? But I still don’t want them to feel like it’s their fault. I’ve bought myself a ticket to hell. By the time you finish reading this, I might’ve already ended my life.

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I'm stating the obvious here, but it bears saying: You are clinically depressed. That's what is evident from your post.

What you need now is some practical solutions, or at least some strategies to deal with it.

If you can't get yourself into regular counseling, which by the sounds of your letter, I'm thinking you can't, then at least see if you can find a trusted adult to confide in. A minister or a priest is good if your religious. Heck, even if your not religious, they can help you.

Another strategy you should consider is daily affirmations. Every morning, you should commit to telling yourself something positive about yourself. And make sure that you listen to yourself with your heart when you deliver that positive message to yourself.

One more thing, and I say this as someone who has always been a little on the heavy side myself, you should exercise. Even just a little exercise every day will release endorphins and help you to feel better about yourself. Don't aim to be a supermodel though. Set yourself realistic strength and endurance goals that you can monitor as you achieve them.

I truly wish you the very best. You sound to me like a lovely young person who is just dealing with an awful lot right now. I'm hoping that you read my message and that it provides you with encouragement and motivation to be your best self.

Hey stranger, I just wanted to say that you’re not in this alone. Believe it or not, there are actually people out there that care for you. And I’m not saying that because “what your family will go through” because that is a load of shit. You deserve better! You deserve to live the best life you can and if you die you won’t get to see it.

as a person who has struggled with body image and eating problems, It doesn’t matter. Really, it doesn’t. You don’t have to change to fit other people’s views on how people should look. Your arms are a little fuzzy? Did somebody make a comment or look at you weird? Fuck them. They don’t know you at all.

And I will say it: Life does suck. Clearly you already know that, and I feel for you. And as cliche as this sounds, I will get better. It might take a while, yeah, and it all might go downhill before going back up again, but it does get better. I really hope you read this and take a second for yourself. Please realize that you would be giving up a life that maybe the next day, you did something great, like go talk to a trusted adult or something. You would feel better! And then it would go uphill from there!

Hey look I’m not going to sit here spewing a whole load of bullshit that I’m sure you’ve heard before but I want to say that truly I am so so sorry and you being here with all you’ve been through makes you stronger and more fucking badass than anyone I’ve ever met. Please please stay, stay for me, a random fucking stranger who believes in you. I’ve listened to your story and I’m saying go move to a farm in the middle of the British country side and live off of the $3 you make from selling Your homemade blueberry muffins. That’s the life you deserve, think of the cats you could get and all the bread you’d make by hand. Sending love always, ❤️

My own sister called me dyslexic and laughed at me. Because I wasn’t always bright and she knows that. I cried so much over that. So Yh if I cried over that, then there’s nothing wrong with you trying to cry. All my life I’m judged, I’m fat, I pull my fucking eyebrows off, my own teachers thought I’d never have a future. I’m tired of existing to the point I don’t give a shit about my family feelings or people that I haven’t seen since I was a little. Don’t you ever want to move the fuck out of your house ? I want to but I’m forced to stay in this toxicating household. I mean I’m trapped. Like I’m not joking. I’m trapped. I’m always judged. Everyone’s always rude to me. 24 fucking 7. Now I have to see my ugly fucking sister in the next morning. I hate that she’s the first person I see in the next day. Gosh I really hate her. She’s a bitch. If your going to kill yourself. Kill me too. I wish someone can just give me pills and I’d walk out of the world. I think about it everyday.

by the way, I finished my first year of college. I didn’t skip because of how fucking judged id get. And whoever replies back. Don’t fucking therapy me and give me that bullshit oh affirmation shit and counselling and just get motivated and encouraged. Like fuck off. I don’t like exercising. WTH. Thanks id know myself if I deserve better. Everyone fucking deserves better but nobody acc does I mean ask fucking George floyd he’d tell you.