Ive been Feeling a ton of bricks in my heart. It physically hurts. I thought I got what I wanted, after bring acused of fraud I proved my innocence. I might even have the job to go back too. Do I want it though? After being treated like that who would want to stay there?? I was acussed of so much based off nothing but one persons judgment towards me. There was nothing I did wrong but I thought for a minute there if I couldnt prove my innocence. I wouldve been charged with fraud. Im already broke that wouldve put me in debt for the rest of my life. I already live less than paycheck to paycheck. I might loose my home now too. I cant afford it. I cant afford my cat. I know money is just a concept but its so hard to fight that battle of literally being able to afford to be alive, sometimes it feels like I need to appreciate all that I do have because camparred to many, I have a lot. Im just tired of fighting for jobs that wont treat me with the humanity I thought they would treat me with. My first hob I ever worked I was abused physically, emtionally, and sexually. The second job I worked they wernt nearly as bad but they treated me as nothing more than a number. After being bullied by a supervisor for long enough they decided to fire me. I am good at what I did, I had references from their head Office that no one else in their history had, my boss eben admitted I wasnt being fired for what they said I was being fired, she said she knew I wasnt happy, I diserved that. I still feel like them keeping this supervisor Who is known for ammaturely molesting people over keeping me was a mistake. That I had to pay the price for. The third job I had was perfect, again I thought I had moved in to greener pastures. My Manager and I got along so well he had me working with him every shift it was just us. At first I didnt have a Problem with it. Thab one day something inside him snapped and he started throwing 5 pound trays around very close to where I was standing. That time I decided to leave. My fourth job was looking out to be good as well. I had only worked there a few months and was famos in the industry for being so involved and devote to my work and for knowing the people I knew. I guess that could have helped them feel like they wanted me gone. But no one ever said it to my face. They just got angry if I asked them simple things like please dont sit on the prep putting bored we use for our veggies or please dont stare at customers while sitting on the prep Table when we have so much to get done. I got in trouble for saying those things when its like oh im sorry ill just pull their weight and mine and let them completley walk all over this company and help you lose valued customers over something that couldve been eadily helped. Its not like there wernt chairs to sit in the break room. I dont understand the need to that. I dont understand how he could be so unsanitary and still work food Service. It was a shock to me so again I chose to leave. The 5th I worked was perfect in everyway. They shut down under a month of me working there. The next job I had I literally ran into my new coworker/ old friend that isnt my friend anymore because they tried several times to rape my best friend. I didnt know how to deal, I had a panic attack or two, had an old coworker offer me a different job with a pay that actually was like 1$ over Minimum wage at the time, so I left. This job that I am now working paid me more than I eher had been paid before which still wasnt a lot of money. These people were my family. They helped me. I helped them, I was thinking this place wasnt just my work it was my home. Than they acuse me or fraud and now make my life a living hell wether it is intentional or not, I cant tell. Im so tired of being acused of shit people know nothing about. Im so tired of being judged, torn down, miss treated. It hurts me. All I want to do is give up. I dont know how to find any care left in me. I hate my job. I hate what my work places have put me through. It seems so fucking endless. I dont get it. My anxiety is so bad you could the biggest care bear in the world of your my authority figure I will shake, sweat and cry near you, I dont mean to. Its just a Reflex. In every aspect of my life my anxiety gets so fucking bad with confrontation and what ever happened to people seeking out a healthy solution to pain. Why do people seem to turn it into this is wrong I am right, you are bad, i am good. Its not about whos right and whos wrong. Its about extending grace because you know what it feels like to be hurt. Its about breaking that chain of judgment at your feet and saying you know what, hate me, go ahead, I wont let it shape how I perceive you. I will forgive. I will love. I will be everything I wish my work could be. I just hope I dont lose sight of that, I hope I dont lose what little strength I habe left in me. Im so weak you guys. Im so far gone im so done. This life is so exhausting any Nuggets of wisdom?