Living is harder than I thought.

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Honestly, I'm done. I'm at my lowest, my mental state is wrecked, and this stupid pandemic is making running away more difficult than I thought. I'm so tired of my mother's blaming, calling me inconsiderate, name calling me, then when I try to reason with her, she proceeds to try and guilt trip me by saying I'll only miss her and regret this when she's gone. Sounds like a typical mother daughter fight, right? But this is completely normalized in so many households, and when their kids commit suicide, they ask why they never came to them, when all they do is list down the things they have and never address the problem.

Getting verbally abused by my ex without anyone knowing it, my inner demons constantly taunting me for every little thing I do, growing up being compared to both my siblings with natural academic intelligence, being sexually harassed- too many things are happening and I'm just itching to feel the metal slice through my arms and thighs, and unto my neck because I'm tired... Call me melodramatic, but yes, I'm tired, and I miss my grandma, because it seemed like she was the only person who has never made me feel like I was the monster everyone made me to be.

I know I'm not the best. I'm very well aware that I've had times where I've raised my voice, gotten angry, and accepted the insults whenever I tried to apologize for it because I know I deserve it. But it's a bit unfair when the tables have turned, and they've hurt me, but I have to be the one to apologize, because according to them, I was being a bitch, and that I was not being considerate to their feelings. And I find myself asking, what about my feelings?

I try to work really hard, pass all my subjects, smile and laugh obnoxiously so no one would suspect a thing that I'm mentally harming myself. I just need a few more things to do before I can join my grandma, and I don't have to be here anymore... It's selfish, but, what's the point, everybody knows that's all I am though, so I'll do one selfish act.

To my mother, who I know will never see this. Yes, I'll miss you when you're gone, With all my heart. But the real question is will you miss me when I'M gone? Cause it seems to me you'll cry less when my coffin is in front of you.

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