This is what depression and anxiety is. It’s breaking down at night alone in your room so that you can fake a smile tomorrow. It’s you overthinking the fact that your friends didn’t invite you out with them. It’s one side of your brain asking “what if they hate you” while the other side of your brain asks “what makes you think they don’t already”. It’s staying up into early hours of the morning because you can’t quiet the screams in your head. It’s being at your lowest but not being able to shed a tear. It’s taking little jokes people make about you and overthinking them until your drowning in your thoughts. It’s laughing when someone makes a joke about mental illness and then crying about it later. It’s feeling numb and unworthy. It’s rehearsing saying “here” in your head 100 times so you don’t mess up when the teacher calls your name. It’s not being able to look people in the eye when they’re talking to you. It’s looking at the ground when you see someone you know in public. It’s a constant battle between two sides of your brain because your anxiety says “I need to be perfect” but your depression says “you’ll never be good enough there’s no point” so you work yourself until you have nothing left to give. I worked so hard to dig myself out of the place I was in. I clawed my way out and I have to do that shit myself with no help. And when I finally get happy again. Toxic people try and mess that up. Quarantine has been one of the best things that happened to me mentally because it helped me realise who my real friends are so screw the fake and toxic people. I’m done texting you first ok. I’m done caring when you don’t give a shit about me and I’m done putting your feelings above my own. From now on I’m going to live my life and if you want to be in it make an effort. If not leave me alone. If you see me happy don’t talk to me because I deserve that happiness because I haven’t had it in so long. Don’t try and bring me down with stupid jokes and insults like your so tall or your such a slut cause guess what it isn’t funny and I won’t put up with it anymore. I have a constant battle with the angels and demons in my head and for a long time I let the demons win but I won’t any longer. I managed to wake up every day and celebrate my birthday even though I never wanted to be alive. Last year even getting out of bed in the morning was an achievement and I did it. I’ve torn down so many of my walls and I won’t let toxic people build them back up. So there you go the new me. Here’s what you need to know:• I’m not the same person I was last year • I will never put myself in that place again • If you try to put me back in that place I will tell you to get out my life • If you wanna walk out of my life I’ll gladly open the door for you because I’m not going to fight for someone who doesn’t give a shit about me • If you don’t like who I am now then screw you cause I don’t give a shit And lastly if you try to act like you’ve done everything for me and helped me through the last year you’re wrong because I helped myself through last year. I nearly died last year but I worked on myself and finally found who I am and although I am still fighting my inner demons. I am stronger than I have ever been and I finally accept that I am the way I am and if you don’t like that then you can get out of my life and never come back. I’ve already remove so many toxic people from my life and I’m not afraid to do it again. So if you want to stay in my life make an effort and if you don’t just tell me and I’ll gladly open the door for you. And let me tell you the jokes people make about mental illness aren’t funny. The way people attention seek about mental illness isn’t funny. Don’t give those people sympathy because that’s what they crave they crave the attention of others because they aren’t given it anywhere else. Pay attention to your friends and family because you never know when one of them could be faking their happiness.