no matter what i do i cant stop feeling like i want to die.im not grateful for what i have.i recently found out that my sister harmed herself and i wasnt there for her.i thought i was a good sister but clearly im not. instead of being there for her i was too busy pitying myself over useless things.and whats even more sick is that i like pitying myself.its retarded and fucking pathetic. i have my ols(exams) in 2 months and everyone is working hard but i cant get myself to study.So i stay awake without sleeping so i dont feel gulity about not working. i want to believe in mental sickness and i do but i just dont think that im sad enough to be depressed of anything. The worse is that i don't want to get better ,like i want to stay like this,self pitying and all.i failed my sister and she harmed herself.my father is clearly disgusted about how weak i am.im a failure and he knows it.i feel like he looks down on me when i want to be strong like him.im being pathetic and fucking dumb.im not broken lol no but i just dont know what i am.