Last year I spent my weekends calling the suicide hotline after driving to the park and sitting there crying. I had no friends. I desperately needed someone to talk to. I could feel them wanting to get me to feel better to help someone else, but I just needed a friend..
Today I drove through the park of the hospital my ex dropped me off at. The same park I escaped to and walked down the river of. I wanted to jump in front of the cars that were driving by. I looked at the buildings and thought about jumping off of them. I couldn’t handle suffering with him any longer. I couldn’t handle myself. After it all ended, I lost my dog, I lost my home. That summer was the summer I spent hiding from everyone. I didn’t want anyone to know my engagement had broken off. When I was finally able to go into public three months later, I would hide from the world and cover myself.
In six years from now my skin will renew. I will no longer have your touch on my skin.You gave me herpes after being the first man I was with. The only one. I haven’t been able to have sex with anyone since then. I’m afraid they’ll be disgusted of me and I’m afraid of spreading it to someone. I drove past that scene where I knew I had lost my soul. That river kept flowing, the hospital was there, the park and the cars kept driving by. That was the day I wanted to end it all. But I am still here. Trying to forgive myself for everything.