it all started 5 years ago when I was accepted in an elite high school my parents were so proud of me.. i was bullied there i couldn't fit i was treated like shit they used to make fun of me and everything i say so i started being insecure and never talk in class i used to be a very active pupil so i gave the impression of a lazy careless and a day_dreamer pupil and i was treated by everyone including the professors like i didn't deserve to be there.. so i started believing it too.. my grades became soo low and my mental health is getting worst i started having panic attacks si frequently i stopped sleeping i stopped going to school i tried to reach out for help.. my friends couldn't get what i am feeling they acted like I'm just being dramatic.. my parents didn't really believe in the " mental health thing" they were religious parents who believed that God will solve all my problems if i pray and ask for help.. well i did i asked for help till i stopped.. anyway i was young and lonely depressed and then i became so suicidal my thoughts got darker and more scary than ever.. i started self harming my self by needles and knives by tingling my laps so it doesn't leave a scar became i was so scared that my parents will find out.. then i took a decision : i will go back to my old small town my old friends and my old self.. and guess what.. i disappointed my parents once again.. I've always been a disappointment - i came back yet things got worse i found that everyone moved with their lives but i was in the same place or i drowned even more.. my friends had new friends and i was lonely once again and i felt like i had no where to belong to i became even more depressed suicidal sad empty worthless and huge big burden on the world..then the 4 th year of high school the most important year in our lives.. at the end of the year we will oass an exam and based on the mark we have we will go to the uni so yeey another reason to be depressed.. i struggled the whole year yet i worked hard.. soooo hard that i stopped eating and sleeping i stopped living for this year.. yet the pandemic started and we stopped studying and we didn't what will happen so i messed up in the end and i didn't get the get the uni i wanted and i disappointed my parents fir the 293739382th time and now my classmates are studying and building their future while me and because of my mental health in my parents house doing nothing at all and wasting time and one year of my life aka taking a break.. and now my parents have to pay a fortune so i can study something good and i like or i will end up studying a useless thing and never will be able to make... anyway if i lost this battle please know that I fought that i tried so hard yet I'm so tired and exhausted that i can't keep going I'm si disparate and lonely that I'm writing all of this here. I'm done.

it all started 5 years ago when I was accepted in an elite high school my parents were so proud of me.. i was bullied there i couldn't fit i was treated like shit they used to make fun of me and everything i say so i started being insecure and never talk in class i used to be a very active pupil so i gave the impression of a lazy careless and a day_dreamer pupil and i was treated by everyone including the professors like i didn't deserve to be there.. so i started believing it too.. my grades became soo low and my mental health is getting worst i started having panic attacks si frequently i stopped sleeping i stopped going to school i tried to reach out for help.. my friends couldn't get what i am feeling they acted like I'm just being dramatic.. my parents didn't really believe in the " mental health thing" they were religious parents who believed that God will solve all my problems if i pray and ask for help.. well i did i asked for help till i stopped.. anyway i was young and lonely depressed and then i became so suicidal my thoughts got darker and more scary than ever.. i started self harming my self by needles and knives by tingling my laps so it doesn't leave a scar became i was so scared that my parents will find out.. then i took a decision : i will go back to my old small town my old friends and my old self.. and guess what.. i disappointed my parents once again.. I've always been a disappointment - i came back yet things got worse i found that everyone moved with their lives but i was in the same place or  i drowned even more.. my friends had new friends and i was lonely once again and i felt like i had no where to belong to i became even more depressed suicidal sad empty worthless and huge big burden on the world..then the 4 th year of high school the most important year in our lives.. at the end of the year we will oass an exam and based on the mark we have we will go to the uni so yeey another reason to be depressed.. i struggled the whole year yet i worked hard.. soooo hard that i stopped eating and sleeping i stopped living for this year.. yet the pandemic started and we stopped studying and we didn't what will happen so i messed up in the end and i didn't get the get the uni i wanted and i disappointed my parents fir the 293739382th time and now my classmates are studying and building their future while me and because of my mental health in my parents house doing nothing at all and wasting time and one year of my life aka taking a break.. and now my parents have to pay a fortune so i can study something good and i like or i will end up studying a useless thing and never will be able to make... anyway if i lost this battle please know that I fought that i tried so hard yet I'm so tired and exhausted that i can't keep going I'm si disparate and lonely that I'm writing all of this here. I'm done. 

What you went through was in no way an easy task. One negative thought is enough to grow and engulf one into a cloud of negativity and self depreciation. Try consulting a counsellor or therapist in your university or school near by. Do attempt to reach out and sit and talk to your parents or any authority around who can help your parents understand what you are going through. I know how suicidal thoughts grow in one's head and let me tell you, it won't help. There are many online and phone counsellor sessions available for you to go to as well. Please stop the self blame it is easy to badh one uo without realising that you are the victim of bullying and not the one who should be punished. As difficult as it seems understand and learn that you have to fight this battle knowing that you aren't the one doing it all wrong. Parents can be severely wrong too. Speak up for yourself. Pick up an activity or hobby you njoy and pour in your self into it. You may even find like minded people who you can be friends with. It will help you regain your self worth. Indulge in self care. I know it seems like it is difficult to put in practice but if u consciously do it ... you will break put of this vicious cycle of self blame and hence the action to it. Lots of love and hugs to you. Don't give up.

What you went through was in no way an easy task. One negative thought is enough to grow and engulf one into a cloud of negativity and self depreciation. Try consulting a counsellor or therapist in your university or school near by. Do attempt to reach out and sit and talk to your parents or any authority around who can help your parents understand what you are going through. I know how suicidal thoughts grow in one's head and let me tell you, it won't help.  There are many online and phone counsellor sessions available for you to go to as well. Please stop the self blame  it is easy to badh one uo without realising that you are the victim of bullying and not the one who should be punished. As difficult as it seems understand and learn that you have to fight this battle knowing that you aren't the one doing it all wrong. Parents can be severely wrong too.  Speak up for yourself. Pick up an activity or hobby you njoy and pour in your self into it. You may even find like minded people who you can be friends with. It will help you regain your self worth. Indulge in self care. I know it seems like it is difficult to put in practice but if u consciously do it ... you will break put of this vicious cycle of self blame and hence the action to it. Lots of love and hugs to you. Don't give up.

Re: lonely me

I’ve been there and you really just need to find something you love doing. Life is lonely and shitty and very few people will ever truly appreciate you. You can’t derive your self worth from others’ opinions and moods. If you can find something that you like doing that gives you a reason to wake up every morning and makes you feel lime you’re helping others, that will help a lot.

I’ve been there and you really just need to find something you love doing. Life is lonely and shitty and very few people will ever truly appreciate you. You can’t derive your self worth from others’ opinions and moods. If you can find something that you like doing that gives you a reason to wake up every morning and makes you feel lime you’re helping others, that will help a lot.