I recently lost my close friend to cancer, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had the displeasure of watching. There were many times along the way that, as I realized this was probably the end, I wanted so badly to just stop communicating with her. It was too hard, but I didn't bc she was my friend and i loved her. I watched as she withered away to 5'10" and 95 pounds. Toward the end she stopped really communicating, she knew what was coming and she isolated herself to her and her family. I find myself in this place of anger and sadness and then complete numbness where I'm mad at her for shutting me out, and realizing that I was holding my life together with floss and faking it for her and her family. I'm tired and lonely and sad but those things are also so far away that I dont feel them and I should. Its the whole game of going through the motions and hoping it will feel like something. I cant focus and I dont care. I am a devout Christian and I am struggling with caring even about that. I just wanted to vent and maybe breathe a little more easily. I guess I dont really know what to do, maybe I'm not supposed to yet.