One of the most blessed curse of being a religious, is that it is a sin to commit suicide. I am trapped in my own body with no way out of life. I pray for a day when I am hit by a car and let that end me. It's not the case of won't and more of can't. What got me in this mood? For obvious, reasons the rona. But also the fact that I am so alone. I have never been able to hold onto any friends, and the friends I do have, I just feel like I am a burden to them. I have a partner who loves me, but due to long distance troubles, I feel so useless an hollow. I hate not being able to look at them physically and tell them that I love them. They have never really been someone who can express feelings or attempt anything sexual through messenger, but I feel forgotton. They spend so much of their time on a discord server showing romance to fictional characters, and I feel obselite and discarded. It kills me inside, I know its fictional and that there is a difference between character and player, but I have needs. I feel like I am begging for scraps. Admittely, I know that part of the cause I am so depressed is that I am sexuall fustrated, but I have no output for any emotions. I feel like a robot on a good day.The sad thing is I felt so lonely the other day, I actually hugged myself because I miss human contact.
Sometimes I want to sleep. Just lay my head down and just hibernate through this hell. I know to a lot of you that if you do read this and think that I am just a selfish t**t, trust me I feel it too. but I dont know how else to get these feelings out.