Been sober nearly three years. I've never been this close to breaking such a long streak. I'm so afraid if I do that this will be the tipping sin that lands me in hell. Not because I sinned but because I did so with such deliberation. I can't even argue it was a spur of the moment mistake. I know what I'm doing. I'm planning to sin and to undo all the hard work I've put into my sobriety. But it's this or self harm and I can't tell which is worse anymore. I've not hit this low a point in years. I'm just in such a bad place. I just can't take it. I want an escape even if it's just for a little bit. I'm just so desperate for relief and I feel this is my only avenue. I'm so sorry, God. Please forgive me for this.