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Lost feelings

I don't know what to feel anymore , my life has always been a roller coaster ride . And it wasn't less rude when I found him either. I never thought I would fall in love with someone like him , now you might be thinking what's wrong with him. and I might say , just to kill your curiosity , there's nothing wrong with him and that's the fucking problem . See I know you might be getting bored by my blabbering but I had decided this long before that once when it's all over I'd write it off just so I can get it off my mind , just so I can freshen up my soul , just so I can live again . It all started when I was in my 8th grade and who knew that I'd fall in love with my best friends ex .but please don't judge me , even I tried my maximum to back off, but it seemed like my soul craved him and ever since I first met him I couldn't take him off my mind and this should be said that I've seen him only after my bestie broke up with him and first I was pretty scared of him and I literally don't know for what but later on next year my bestie went to another school leaving me off , but she wanted to talk to her ex and asked me to do on behalf of her and so I did , then we started talking later on we became friends and as time went by , my crush for him was growing so wildly that if he ever puts me on seen , tears would take place in my eyes , I was so sticked to him , then reality starred to hit me , " what if my bestie still likes him" "what will he think of me , when he knows" " will he be angry at me" " will he stops talking with me" "will our friendship get broken " I was soooo tensed confused and so tangled up in this mess ,and once I gathered up my courage and TRUST ME I wasn't planning to but I confessed my love to him , as I expected he didn't had the same feelings for me , ofc he won't I'm so ugly but as time went on we were still friends but it felt like I wasn't so sad about this anymore , like he not talking with me didn't mattered at alll and now he doesn't talk to me nor do I and trust me honey I fucking don't care . No feelings no tensions I know that now thank you for hearing me out and also it's my birthday soooooon 💋 bye bye