I want to start by saying this is the first time I've ever used this site or any site to get my thoughts and emotions out, so be kind. I'm not a writer by any means, I make grammar mistakes and sometimes use the wrong word to say what I'm trying to say. But here goes...Today has been a fucking shit day. There are so many things going on in my life and to some they are probably so insignificant, but to others, they may be relatable. Which is why I'm writing this here. Also, I'm trying something new to use as a healthy coping mechanism for my own self-sabotage. I honestly don't even know where to begin, so I'll start with one thing and it may lead into many others or it may end there for tonight. I want to start with this depressive feeling I'm having. It's a massive weight that is holding me down and causing constant self sabotage. I've had it many times before but this time seems to be the worst so far. It started last Wednesday when I was emotionally attacked for doing something I was told to do by the person who attacked me. I felt like my job was threatened, my professionalism was threatened, and the person I am was put into question. Which has lead me to attack myself and other parts of my life, not just my career. I've realized recently that I am very much so a people pleaser. I get pleasure out of making people happy and feel satisfied. Which is why my career is in health care. However, when I can't help people or I disappoint someone, I get into my head and start to rip myself apart from top to bottom. It is constant activity in my head. I relive past conversations and if I should have said something different or delivered it differently, or if I shouldn't have said anything at all and just sit there. I beat myself up for my thoughts. Did I really hear that right? Is that actually true? Am I skewing this information?... Which then leads into my intelligence, do I actually know what I'm talking about? Am I just an idiot trying to put on this hat of intelligence for people? Fake it till you make it right?... Well it doesn't stop there. Not only do I attack the professional side of myself, but I beat up my self-esteem. I can't look in a mirror without ripping on at least 10 things I see I need to "fix". I spend majority of my day concerned about how I look and what people think of me. I don't wear a lot of make up (some concealer under the eyes, mascara, and I've been dabbling in "doing my eyebrows"). I don't wear the most expensive clothes or have a designer eye for clothing. I pride myself on finding great deals and paying minimal amounts for clothing because I think paying $50 for a plain white t-shirt just because it came from Lulu is fucking insane. Anyways, this paragraph has got a little out of hand and scatter brained. Basically what I want to write down tonight is how much I feel lost right now. I quit my job today. I felt like that conversation I had last week took all my power, motivation and spirit and just swallowed it whole. I had clients today but I had zero motivation or even thought connection to help them get better. The spirit I had with this new job was insane. I thought I was living in a dream world. It was my dream job. But it turned out to be just a shady cover up to what the plan really was. So I had to quit. I want to start my new business and it's exciting but I sit here with this heavy weight on my chest and a lack of emotion towards it. My diet has been horrendous since last week. Today's meals consisted of an apple at 1pm, pizza at 4pm and 1/3 of a tub of chocolate icing for desert. I'm fat, I'm hideous in my eyes, and I've lost my beauty. I'm not trying to float my own boat here... but I used to one of the most desired people in my city. I was fucking hot! And I knew it, I rocked it at bars and social events. I wore neon pink 6" heels, a black mini skirt and a spaghetti strap top to the bar. It was a classic grinding fest on the dancefloor and guys would try to grab me all the time to dance. Now listen to me when I say this... If a guy tried to dance with me on the dancefloor, even if it wasn't grinding, I'd immediately self-sabotage and think it's a joke. Who wants to dance with me? He's going to see how fat and sweaty I am now. I'm not sexy in any shape or form. I wouldn't even consider having sex with him after because I don't want anyone to see me the way I am now. For reference, I am 5'2" and 160lbs. I do think I have body dysmorphia but I have no idea how to deal with that. Needless to say, I have a lot of fucking mental health issues I need to work on in order to stop self sabotaging myself. So this is step one, and I think it's helping. Moral of my vent is, I feel exactly like this post, very lost. I don't know who I am. I feel like I'm developing traits as I age, like OCD, controlling, and being a perfectionist. I don't like these traits because they are making interactions with other people uncomfortable. I've lost my confidence, my self-esteem, my motivation, and my power. I just want to be the person I was 8 years ago. But I just don't know how to get it back.