I don't wanna him to leave. I got jelaous easily but I can handle it and not doing anything dumb, i would never let my temporary emotion destroy our relationship. He is a nice, good at studies, and open-minded. But he is not good with women and really awkward, but we both understand each other very well. We never really have a fight, both of us can handle our emotion very well.That's the problem. One time, that was a terrifying period, lot of problems happened (not our relationship's problem), I was the first one that reached my limit and I can't think clearly. I became selfish. I was taking rest for a kinda long time, i rarely touch my phone, I'm obsessed with painting since I was stressed by other probelms. He thought that he was done something wrong, and always apologize. I told him that nothing is wrong, i just need a rest. I was afraid if I would say something rude or unwanted because I wasn't in stable condition.The pandemic made bigger distance between us, that time was really hectic in our city and everyone was panicked. Also in that time we supposed to have final exams (the exam for graduate from the school). I'm afraid of new people. It took a long time for me to get comfortable in new environtment. I was stressed and got sick lol. I cried a lot suddenly without reason tho. To protect myself, I couldn't control my emotion. And I became rude when someone annoyed me. Hm, maybe not rude but more ignorant. I said stuffs I shouldn't say, I hurts my bf feelings, I don't want to but I couldn't control it. I apologize to him and told him about my issues, I asked him to give me more time to calm myself down.I thought when we really in love, distance doesn't matter. But why the longer time we don't see each other, we don't hold each other's hand, my feelings is fading away? I love him, but I started to think what if I wasn't in love for that long time, what if I just wanna give and get affection with somebody, what if he didn't love this entire time, why he spent his time with ugly person like meThe more I was thinking the more I questioned my own feeling. What was the name of this feeling?Our chat was getting shorter and shorter. Until the day he asked for broke up. Like the day he asked me out. Suddenly and no rejection. We just broke up, but not in anger. I wasn't sad that day. I thought it was a joke, but that's the reality. The pain comes gradually, the more days I spent without him, the more pain I felt. We both know. We aren't stop loving each other, we just stop hurting each other.We still bestfriends tho, I don't wanna become stranger with my only alien. We both aliens in this chaotic world. When the situation was calming down, we met for class reunion. We were giggling when we stared each other. We were holding hands. (OFC WE WASHED OUR HANDS EVERY SINGLE MINUTE jk). Sometimes I suddenly chat 'Hey hey I love you' then he replied with sticker. That was a great time with him. I love him, and I hate him too. I don't know why, and I guess I don't need to know. Of course I wonder, but this relax time is nice too. Both of us getting older, my feeling hasn't change, I love him.If he finds his true love and it's not me, that is okay, I will get jealous, I will cry, but I will be fine later.