Only because I am sick to death of it. Not love itself but love not being returned, well, not even just love, but even liking people.And I get that I am no Don Juan, but then I am not Quasimodo either.I guess it is life, but recently I met the absolute love of my life, and with a few differences, I could have been in a position to ask her out, but there were issues, and as much as she gave signs that she would say yes, in the end the issues that led to where I am now, were explored and ......well all we have now is a cordial relationship.That was my fault, I got too nice, apparently it became clear how happy I was around her, i was too clingy-actually not quite true but there is a reason I was around her a lot and that inevitably would be seen that way.Anyway it is as it is, all my wishing cannot make her love me, and it just angers me, why can we not control what we feel.It would be easier if I loved who I am with, and believe me I have tried. It would be easier if I hadn't tried to be such a good person and had just called time years ago, where would I be if I had?My very first post here asked, do I deserve to be happy?I know now I do, but then I also know I am probably doomed not to be. When you meet someone who is everything perfect, then you cannot ever be truly happy without them.Besides, I already know her future plans, even if we rebuild the friendship and it gets to where it was, she will leave, and I know it is going to hurt so much.I have to take my time with her and be glad she hasn't cast me out totally.But I do so hate that I love and can not turn it off.I do wish I could have shared a life with someone I felt this way about and have them feel the same.Ah if only wishes came true, to finally understand, what at 20 even 30 I wasn't mentally able to grasp, so much, yet now, now I am and still young enough to give it use, to show someone-well I see her in my mind-but to build her perfect world, to understand that my happiness does matter but in having found a perfect person, that my happiness does not come just by them being beautiful, funny, kind, indescribably sexy, smart, amazing, but actually, in making her happy, to hold her hand, to walk beside her, to lift her up when she is down, to put smiles on her face, to do for her all the things to light her up. Therein lies absolute love and happiness, not in self gratification but in giving to her, and I will never know it, only know what could be, not what is.So yeah I am angry.Life eh?Someone invent a wish machine please? Then I guess I could turn it off. Oh yes I could wish for her to love me, but I guess the right wish is, to love who I am with, or them to be happy, or, me to be what the woman I love wants and needs and can love and would love. I don't think love can be magicked even if such power existed, but I do wish she loved me, or I didn't love her. Or, that she just wasn't perfect in every way